


The Love That Dares Not to Speak Its Name

by lovinniel



Series: A Study In Science [1]
Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, CEO Kang Daniel, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Roommates, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-05-18 21:03:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19342588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovinniel/pseuds/lovinniel
Summary: What's the love of Ong Seongwoo and Kang Daniel?It's the one that was told in silent stares and hushed whispers.A story of science that had been unfolding ever since they met each others.And now the study continues, four years after the fated encounter.





	1. The Love That Dares Not to Speak Its Name

“Seongwoo hyung…”

 

 _Here it goes again_. Seongwoo groaned at the thought as he struggled to open his eyes. Pure darkness was the only thing that met them, not a single streak of light from any window or other light source. He slowly unwrapped his arm from cozy warm blanket he tucked himself and hoisted it to the direction of end table, reaching for his phone. He groaned again when he looked at the time his phone displayed.

 

_2.20 AM._

 

"Urgh." Seongwoo let out his groan again.

 

 _It's past two in the fucking midnight._ Seongwoo frowned at the displeasure of being woken at such an ungracious hour. _That’s it. I’ve had enough. I will no longer subject myself to this kind of torture, Kang Daniel-_

 

“Hyung… Seongwoo hyung…”

 

Against his will, against whatever logical, valid reasoning he had to not get up from his little cradle of comfort before the dawn, Seongwoo rose up, rather quickly even that he felt a little light-headed. He groaned again for the third time that night as his body betrayed him and started walking toward his bedroom door.

 

“Coming…” Seongwoo voice slightly cracked as he replied to the person calling him. Even his speech center was against him, he thought angrily and his naturally questioning nature led his mind to ask what kind of predication Kang Daniel was in right now…

 

_No, Seongwoo. You know better than to ask that question._

 

“Hyung…” The other voice whined from the living room, and it sounded pathetic, yet usual, to Seongwoo’s ears, pathetically usual.

 

“Yeah. I’m coming,” Seongwoo tried to sound his annoyance as he slammed the door opened and dragged his feet across the corridor to the living room. He arrived at a dark room; barely any street light escaped the thick curtain draped upon the large window.

 

_Didn’t even bother to switch the fucking lights on. Did he want me to slip on this-_

 

His train of thought crashed. Along with his body. Who was slammed to the wooden flooring beneath him. Squashed till his last breath escaped his lung. By the massive bear who tangled long massive limbs around him.

 

“D- Daniel. Can’t- breath-“ Seongwoo managed several words after recovering from that sudden assault and realizing his lung couldn’t expand due to Hulk’s embrace.

 

The grip around him relaxed ever so slightly, but Seongwoo felt immediate relief as he inhaled a gallon of good air. He focused on drawing several decent breaths before his mind drifted to his current position: sandwiched between a lump of hot body and cold hard floor. Seongwoo could almost hear alarm ringing inside his head and he promptly attempted to move himself away. Too bad the body crushing him didn’t share the same purpose. It didn’t even budge.

 

“Daniel. You’re crushing me,” Seongwoo said calmly, and yet his calmness deteriorated fast because the other person didn’t seem to hear. The limbs encasing him were still firm as ever.

 

Seongwoo felt anger bubbling in his chest. His entire body ached from that ungraceful fall, and although Daniel had somehow managed to protect his head from impact with his hand, it was still spinning from sudden disorientation and now began to pulsate, indicating incoming wave of migraine. He had been woken up from his deep sleep in the dead of night, wrestled to the ground to the brink of suffocation, and then trapped in this awkward situation by Kang Daniel, whose firm toned body wrapped Seongwoo like the apocalypse would come if he ever let go.

 

Seongwoo grimaced at the thought. He felt another feeling rose up within him. An indiscernible mixture of anxiety and… what is it? Seongwoo didn’t dare to ask and wouldn’t bother to now of all time. He gathered his force and prepared to bark the younger to get up.

 

“Seongwoo hyung…” That painfully familiar trembling and raspy voice that shouted agony breathed exactly into the nook of Seongwoo neck.

 

And there it went. All feelings of anger and displeasure dissipated. All bodily hurts and aches miraculously numbed. All Seongwoo thought. All Seongwoo knew. All Seongwoo cared for is to grasp that body in front of him, and embrace it in the warmest, tightest hug he could ever do.

 

Perhaps it was the surpise, but Seongwoo knew better, and threw all his hope and belief that it was the gratefulness at reciprocation. The moment Seongwoo returned Daniel’s hug for the first time that night, the steel hug around Seongwoo’s body relaxed and the younger placed his head even deeper into Seongwoo’s neck. Daniel did not shudder or whimper but Seongwoo recognized that unmistakable wetness dripping on his neck all too well.

 

Time seemed irrelevant to the two males caught in the deep embrace on the floor. There were no words exchanged, but their communications was far beyond the bounds of speech. This was always how it went for them. Words might lose or confound them. Other times they might struggle to find the correct ones to impart their feelings and their meanings. But whenever they found words failed, both of them found understanding in perhaps one the most primitive languages humanity ever knew.

 

And right now it spoke volume for each of them. It compressed and conveyed thousands of things unspeakable into a simple act. One of acceptance, of comfort, of congeniality. One that spoke it’s okay, I’m here. One that gave assurance to each other, that no matter what may come, they will always persevere. An act that they proudly committed in front of televised broadcast on the final of their predebut show. An act that sealed the bond between them for four years and counting.

 

For Seongwoo himself, he felt grateful that both of them reached that level of understanding through a hug. Seongwoo had many things he wanted to say to Daniel, and yet he found a lot of them impossible to say. Wasn’t that the greatest thing they could ever learn? To hug and be hugged back in return?

 

They stayed at that position for seemingly forever to Seongwoo. He felt an immense amount of comfort despite the ungracefully awkward position that he found himself drifting to slumber.

 

“Hyung.” Daniel’s voice seemed more stable.

 

Seongwoo jolted in Daniel’s embrace and opened his eyes, searching for Daniel’s face. He felt bad almost falling asleep; he didn’t want Daniel to feel neglected, especially at these moments. Luckily Daniel’s face was still burrowed in his neck, and Seongwoo hoped he hadn’t been caught red-handed.

 

“Hyung, I’m sorry.” Daniel’s voice is filled with regret that dashed Seongwoo’s hope. “I know you’re tired and lacked of sleep.” Daniel raised his head and they finally saw each other the first time tonight.

 

“I know I shouldn’t do this. Always bothering you. And at this late-“

 

“No, Daniel. It’s okay,” Seongwoo cut him. Amidst the dark he could barely see Daniel raised brow and slight smirk. “Okay, so maybe not this late next time.”

 

“Hyuuung,” Daniel whined; his smirk turned downward to a pout. “You hoped that next time it will come to this again?”

 

Seongwoo chuckled. “It won’t?” Daniel pouted even more with his brow furrowed, and it looked very amusing to Seongwoo he decided to tease even further.

 

“I mean it happened so often and regular, like some sort of pattern. Like science.” Seongwoo smirked and hoped his eyes twinkled in mischief as he put emphasize on the last two words.

 

The recall of that particular memory erased Daniel’s pout and he started his trademark laugh: his bunny teeth preceded his all wide roar while his crescent eyes smiling from his cheek. Unfortunately for Seongwoo, that laughter came with a lot of deep breaths raining on his face.

 

“Good God, Daniel.” Seongwoo’s face crinkled at the reek of alcohol assaulting his olfactory senses. He waved his hand to waft the horrendous smell. “How much drink did you have?”

 

“One too many,” Daniel giggled. Seongwoo only glared at him in response and Daniel’s smile faltered.

 

“I’m- I’m sorry?” Daniel muttered under his breath; clearly anticipating the brewing storm in the smaller male he straddled.

 

Seongwoo had a lot of choice words in his arsenal, but after looking at Daniel’s apologetic sad face, he withdrew his coup. He only sighed deeply and slowly brought his body up.

 

“At least stay away from anything stale,” Seongwoo grunted. “Lord heavens, that’s hideous.”

 

Daniel’s face showed surprise and slight amusement when Seongwoo finally sat upright in front of him, bewildered at the apparent lack of scolding.

 

“Is that all you want to say, hyung?” The tiny corner of Daniel’s mouth curved upward, and Seongwoo suddenly tensed as Daniel did not let him pry himself away from beneath the larger body. Warmth crept higher to Seongwoo’s face, but some other feeling else went lower on his stomach. Seongwoo gulped and kept his gaze down, refusing to meet Daniel’s eyes; the urge to detach himself from the younger rapidly intensified as he felt his heart started galloping.

 

He moved his arms to Daniel chest and tried to push him away, but the younger still wouldn’t budge, or rather his arms couldn’t move; a moment later Seongwoo realized that Daniel had actually held both his hands firmly grasped Seongwoo’s forearms, neutralizing any movement. Seongwoo then tried to wriggle his lower body but then also immediately stopped, yet this time it wasn’t Daniel stopping him. His hip movement made him grazed with Daniel’s in a way that could potentially strengthen his already aroused carnal desires. So at the end Seongwoo ceased all movements and descended into silence.

 

It seemed to amuse Daniel even more; his smile widened the moment he saw Seongwoo realized the futility of his struggle. Seongwoo wished he could slap those unabashed smirk away from the younger’s face, but such act was so unbecoming of the supposedly more mature, older gentleman; and he was literally unable to move at that time. So he decided to mustered all his wit and experience as an actor-dol in hope to gain the upper hand.

 

“Get off me, Daniel.” Seongwoo hoped the younger wasn’t sober enough to notice that slight tremble on his voice he tried to pass as angry request.

 

“Or what, my actor hyung-ah?” That quizzical singsong tone and Daniel’s playful response reminded Seongwoo that despite his years of actor training, the younger would always easily see through his game. Again Seongwoo descended into silence, and again his failed effort titillated Daniel even further.

 

“Why do you want to get away from me that much, Seongwoo hyung?” Daniel slyly feigned disappointment. “Do you hate me so much?”

 

“Only as much as whichever girl dumped you tonight.”

 

The response took Daniel and Seongwoo himself by surprise. The younger immediately slackened his grip on Seongwoo’s arms, and then let go of them altogether; shame and sadness painted all over his face. Guilt filled Seongwoo to the brim the moment he saw the dejected look on his puppy’s face.

 

“I’m sorry, Niel-ah,” he said rather hastily. He was treading on a very fine line now, Seongwoo thought. “I wasn’t thinking clearly.” _Crap, I’m making excuses._

 

It took a painful long minute of silence before Daniel timidly answered, “It’s okay, hyung. You were tired and lacked of sleep and I kinda went overboard. I mean… We’re both tired, so…” _Damn, now Daniel’s making excuses._

 

Another long minute of silence fell upon them. Seongwoo didn’t exactly know what to do or what to speak. To say he made a wrong move was a gross understatement. He couldn’t even fathom why he blurted out that comment. Of course he did not hate Daniel; it was very very very far from that in all actuality. Seongwoo’s head began to hurt again the more he pondered the hurtful statement. Maybe Daniel was right; it was the influence of tiredness and lack of sleep.

 

 _That’s not true_. A small voice in Seongwoo’s head whispered. _That way’s easier, but that’s not true. And you know that’s not true. Not entirely at least._

 

Seongwoo knew that. He just didn’t have the heart to admit it out right. He was always annoyed whenever Daniel showed up late at night ranting about another failure at romance, and he was certain Daniel knew how much it displeased Seongwoo. But what Daniel didn’t know, and what Seongwoo dreadfully avoided to even think, was the reason behind his annoyance. And just like the honest voice inside his head said, it was not tiredness or lack of sleep.

 

His wandering thought was again halted, by Daniel. But this time it wasn’t the WWE style body slamming. It was by an unpleasant and awkward noise, coming not from Daniel’s mouth, but his stomach. The rumbling growl was loud and long, and Seongwoo could swear he saw Daniel’s cheek tinged with blush even in this scarce lighting.

 

“I’ll make you some food.” Seongwoo said, silently thanking heavens above and Daniel’s stomach for the timely intervention. He was halfway standing when Daniel grabbed his arm again.

 

“No, hyung, don’t,” Daniel sighed, “I can handle it myself. You need to rest, hyung.”

 

Seongwoo had expected some resistance from Daniel. In an ordinary setting the younger would never deny a chance of eating Seongwoo’s handmade food, let alone when he showed clear evidence of starvation. But Seongwoo regretfully understood the words he just said did more than just a prick on Daniel, and he had contemplated a way to soothe the younger.

 

He lowered himself and kneeled in front of Daniel. He gazed on the Daniel’s face for a moment, taking in all the misery shown in the face, and then slowly hugged the younger. Daniel tried to pull back from Seongwoo, but the older tightened his embrace.

 

“Hyung…” a weak voice came from Daniel but Seongwoo ignored it. He kept his mouth sealed even tighter than his embrace. He hated it, and feared it, his mouth; something that could betray his rational mind and inflict serious damage to himself and the one most precious to him.

 

It took a few minutes but Daniel finally relaxed into Seongwoo’s hug and let his face fall to the older’ neck again. Seongwoo felt another drizzle of wetness there as the younger’s breathing became slightly ragged. It was only for a while though before he seemed settled again, breathing regularly.

 

Perhaps it has something to do with their heart being so close to each other, beating in rhythm, that now Seongwoo genuinely felt them closer than they had ever been. They had always been close even before debuting in their former group. They struck the similar chords with their humors and trivialities, their fondness for sneaking out to grab a dinner or browsing their subway advertisements, their impish delights at prodding other members’ patience. Sure they had their fights too, some were bigger than tonight’s, but they always found their resolution. Most of the time their disputes ended with a long embrace, just like the one they were doing right now. The serenity that they could achieve from the nonverbal act was itself a testament on the strength of their bond.

 

“I’m sorry, Niel-ah,” Seongwoo muttered slowly. He felt more weight in his apology than the one he hastily said before, a message apparently conveyed to Daniel as the younger burrowed himself further down the nook of Seongwoo’s neck.

 

“Yeah, hyung, I know,” Daniel quietly replied.

 

“You know I don’t hate you, right? There’s no way I can do that.” Seongwoo felt the younger shuddered a little at the word hate. After a while staying silent in Seongwoo’s arms, Daniel answered.

 

“I know, hyung.” The younger stopped in his track as if hesitating, but then he slowly flung his arms around Seongwoo, reciprocating the older’s embrace, and speak; his meek voice rang thunder to Seongwoo’s ear.

 

“I know you love me.”

 

And that was why Seongwoo despised words. They had been proven to trick and mislead him from times immemorial. How often had they lulled Seongwoo into the valley of false hopes? They were just like the tallgrass prairie concealing numerous with badger holes, patiently waiting for Seongwoo to trip and fall; or deadly quicksand spread along plain desert, trapping and dragging him down to the pit of no return.

 

Seongwoo clenched his mouth tight. He was afraid to make even the smallest sound; scared that anything coming out of his forsaken mouth would jeopardize their bond, whatever it might be. The accident just now reminded Seongwoo that he was indeed not to be trusted with words. So he resorted to the only mean of communication he trusted, one that would not betray him, or at least would the least chance to do so: he returned Daniel’s hug even more.

 

It was supposed to calm both of them, but right now, Seongwoo didn’t get that peace from being hugged and be hugged in return. Because Seongwoo knew they spoke better in hugs than words, he could also understand what Daniel meant with knowing that Seongwoo loved him, and it was very far away from what Seongwoo meant him to know. Yet again words had proven themselves to be such a master in playing them for fools.

 

“I’ll make you food.” Seongwoo said sternly, releasing their hug and then stood up rather quickly; the stark movement and change of mood surprised the younger a little. The pain from realizing their disconnection gradually became unbearable and he felt urgent to detach himself from the younger before his heart, and tear ducts, went out of control. “You go take a shower and wash away those craps. _No excuses, Daniel_.” He slightly raised his voice at the last sentence which immediately suppressed Daniel’s whine. They stared at each other for a long time, before Daniel lifted up his hands in surrender. The younger didn’t immediately paced to the bathroom, however, so Seongwoo looked at him questioningly.

 

“What?” Seongwoo impatiently asked.

 

“I’m drunk, hyung.” That devilish grin encompassed Daniel’s face for the umpteenth time that night. “What if I slip on the shower and hit my head and pass out?”

 

“You will pass out from hunger if you don’t drop that sly act and finish showering before I finished cooking.” Seongwoo shot a glare at the younger face and immediately turn his back on the younger. He prayed that Daniel didn’t notice blush creeping on Seongwoo’s cheek the moment Daniel nonchalantly suggested they took shower together.

 

Daniel chuckled and finally paced to the shower, but not before he shouted his feigned annoyance at Seongwoo, “Ah, really this hyung. Don’t you love me?”

 

\---

 

It was still pitch black, but Seongwoo easily reached the kitchen without stumbling. He had already developed some sort of muscle memories around the house, no doubt due to the numerous instances of being dragged out of his bed like this. Sometimes he wondered whether some witchcraft had taken place and put his life on a vicious cycle that was Daniel’s romantic misadventures.

 

Seongwoo was heavily invested the first few times: he cried when Daniel cried, sometimes even at his own personal time as he remembered how pitiful the younger looked when he recounted his failures. More than once Seongwoo requested am adjustment on his schedule because he was tending on Daniel’s heart wounds. Other times he even cursed and distanced himself from the girls who had been so bold taking advantage of someone so pure at hearts. When the number was already at the teens, however, Seongwoo had dismissed his agonistic feelings for the girls and started to pity them. Daniel was simply too much of a goody-two-shoes: concerned too much on the welfare of both his partners (mostly celebrities) and his own careers, he’d never willing to do anything passing the first base, and Seongwoo suspected even then he didn’t go through it all; Daniel was too flustered to bare all his escapades.

 

Not that Seongwoo would mind if Daniel wasn’t getting any release. _Wait! Where did that come from?_ But he understood that at one point or another healthy functioning human need some sort of physical intimacy, even more so between romantic partners. Seongwoo reminded how he would get inexplicably angry and uneasy lately when their post-breakup discussion breached this subject and immediately cut it off with another matter.

 

Seongwoo groped the wall to switch the lights on. As soon as his eyes adjusted with the sudden brightness, he quickly set to work: bringing out the pot, filling it with water, turn on the stove, taking out an egg from the fridge, chopping onions and leek while waiting for the water to boiling. Ramyeon would suffice, Seongwoo thought, the hangover soup would have to wait till tomorrow, or a few more hours to be precise. He sighed as he glanced at the clock; it’s ten past three. Seongwoo was quite astonished: apparently they had spent fifty freaking minutes hugging and muttering few words, on the floor. No wonder it hurt all over, Seongwoo inwardly cursed, and considering the inevitable after-ramyeon talk, there was no way Seongwoo could catch up his sleep.

 

“Ouch.”

 

Sharp pain struck Seongwoo’s point finger and warm crimson liquid oozed from the slice wound, marinating the leeks.

 

 _Perfect_.

 

He pressed the wound to prevent the blood marinating the onions and reached for tissue, wrapping several times around the finger just enough to momentarily suppress the bleeding. The water had boiled and proper wound dressing would have to wait. He dumped the noodle, eggs, and onions into the pot. He’ll survive without leeks, Seongwoo told himself.

 

\---

 

Seongwoo carefully trod the floor as he brought the steaming pot to the living room. The lights had been turned on, thankfully; Seongwoo couldn’t afford another wound tonight. As he stepped into the living room, his gaze was fixed on the dark lump on the edge of the room, jutting against the dominant white background. Daniel had showered, donned his navy blue pajamas, and was deep asleep. Seongwoo put the ramyeon on the coffee table and stood up. He took a view at the large figure sprawling on the plush sofa; his left foot dangling to the floor; his left hand resting atop his broad chest while the other spread above his ash blonde hair. Seongwoo didn’t recognize it in the dark but there are tracks of drying tears all over Daniel’s face, which to Seongwoo looked worn out even more compared to when the younger’s at his busiest promotion period.

 

_Good Lord. How bad is it this time?_

 

Seongwoo was well aware of his melancholic nature; that’s why he’s not surprised that after seeing the miserable state Daniel’s in right now, he felt damp warmth surging around his eyes, threatening to overflow the dam. Years of hardships had surely hardened him somehow squeezed till almost dry his tear reservoir to the point that he barely cried seeing TV dramas. But there was always a especially reserved tears for the younger male. How could he not cry, Seongwoo reflected, whenever he saw a person who everyday smiled so bright the sun shied away, got beat and broken down in front of him.

 

Daniel’s cry wasn’t meant for general public consumption; something to do with having cried a lot during trainee period and not wanting to make his fans sad. It also wasn’t for his friends, and was even a rare sight for their former members; something to do with bolstering his Busan manly guy persona in Seongwoo’s opinion. But Seongwoo, he had the privilege of being the nation’s center’s shoulder to cry upon.

 

Seongwoo knew that hard times had fell upon Daniel, on multiple occasions. Most of them weren’t about romance, although he did cry several times for them too. No they were all seemed trivial to Daniel’s struggles in his career. Seongwoo remembered the disputes the younger had with his former management agency, the legal battle the younger had to fought, the even more distressing rumors that were mostly vicious framing and misinformation that the younger had to counter. After the court had somehow settled, the younger established a company, a one man agency that would manage his activities. As if burden of being a company CEO wasn’t enough, as a singer he still had to produce music works, as well promoting and performing them, not to mention attending shows, awards, tours, fan meetings, CF shoot and filming. To top it all, his war of nerve with his former agency hadn’t completely resolved yet.

 

The former agency, in their own twisted delusional mind, had somehow convinced themselves that Daniel had betrayed them, and laboriously try to sabotage and impede his works. They couldn’t manage to pull anything significant though, as their enemy was Kang Daniel, who topped the idol ranking chart for many weeks even after his forced exile ensued. The nation’s center comeback was glorious and hailed by the fans countrywide and overseas alike; they rejoiced upon the return of their king to the illustrious idol throne and that despite months of struggles, the idol persevered and everything seemed to end well. Nobody knew however the true extent of physical and emotional turmoil placed upon Daniel, except Seongwoo. Perhaps Ong Seongwoo was the only witness to all the trials and tribulations buried and concealed deep beneath the warm smile and hearty laughs of Kang Daniel.

 

Though back then they were still living apart from each other, Seongwoo made time whenever his tight schedule permitted to come over to Daniel’s. He did not need to interrogate Daniel for stories because it all came raining down on him the moment Seongwoo stepped pass the doorway. Daniel dominated their entire conversations, mainly because Seongwoo also didn’t have much to offer beside words of encouragement and occasional jokes to lighten up the situations, but the younger seemed fine with it. After all Seongwoo was a better listener than he was a speaker; even more he was a better hug provider. Their sessions usually ended with long moments of sitting side by side on Daniel’s comfortable sofa, heads resting upon each other, with one hugging the other’s arms. Sometimes it was all that they would do, both of them finding comfort in the fact that they were there for each other.

 

“Hyung?”

 

Daniel’s sluggish voice awoke Seongwoo from his trance and he jolted on the spot. The younger curiously observed Seongwoo, but his gaze didn’t last long before it went searching for the source of heavenly aroma filling the living room. Daniel quickly shifted to the front of the ramyeon and sniffed it religiously, causing his stomach to rumble loudly in anticipation. To Seongwoo’s embarassment, his stomach shouted Daniel’s in return. Daniel laughed at the sound and pulled Seongwoo to sit beside him.

 

“Let’s eat together, hyung.”

 

\---

 

“I think it’s a ruse.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

Daniel broke the several minutes’ long silence filled with only slurps and chopstick clangs against metal. Seongwoo just realized how hungry he actually was and then remembered he skipped dinner last night.

 

“Cooking a meal for me. I mean it’s obvious that you’re much hungrier than me.”

 

“Shut up, you brat.” Seongwoo retaliated, striking Daniel’s chopstick with his own, making the younger male dropped the leftover meat Seongwoo had dumped on the last minutes. He quickly seized the meat and led it to his own mouth.

 

“Hey, that’s not fair.” Daniel feigned outrage, pointing his chopstick at the older’s face.

 

“Winner’s keeper, puppy. Now shut up and eat or I finished this myself.”

 

Daniel chuckled but smiled nevertheless and started to race the older to have another slurp at the ramyeon.

 

Another long minute of silence took place as the two young males busied themselves inhaling whatever’s left inside the pot in front of them, scraping the bottom to snatch the last threads of noodle or bits of meat. Finally they had to admit there was literally nothing left beside the soup; then Daniel grabbed the pot handle and gulped the entirety of MSG infused liquid.

 

“And you said I’m hungrier,” Seongwoo snorted at the sight of a ravenous beast satiating his appetite, devouring the last drops of the broth.

 

“Shut up, hyung.”Daniel grinned while catching his breath.

 

\---

 

They both retired to the sofa, sitting side by side, their usual starting position. Seongwoo almost regretted downing so much food in so little a time. The fullness in his stomach made him drowsy and yearning for sleep, but it was maybe only a couple hours away from the start of the day, and they had yet to have their inevitable conversation. Seongwoo hugged the younger’s arm and rested his head on the shoulder, secretly hoped it would sufficiently fulfilled the necessity to talk.

 

Daniel seemed to have gotten the gist of Seongwoo’s gesture and dropped his head atop the older’s, no words uttered. Again they descended into serene quietness; their breaths fell in rhythm as they waited the other to break the silence. Seongwoo truly didn’t expect however, for the countless time this night he felt wetness dripped on his face.

 

“’m sorry, hyung.” Daniel straightened himself, aware his tear fell on Seongwoo, and reached out to wipe it from Seongwoo’s face. The trace of his finger left a trail of burn on Seongwoo’s skin.

 

Seongwoo felt miserable for hesitating to initiate the talk. It wasn’t the first time Daniel cried for being heartbroken, but it never lasted this long. The tears were usually long gone by the time they had their second hug; only seldom reappearing when the post-breakup convos breached sensitive subject. Yet now a few moment of silence alone seemed enough to invoke the bitter memories. Somewhere in his heart Seongwoo felt hurt, in part because he couldn’t fathom what kind of painful experience the younger had to experience this time. The other reason, the one Seongwoo felt uneasy to admit because it was the more dominant, was that this time Daniel’s partner had an impact on a whole other level than all the previous ones, which could only meant that they had also taken their relationship on a whole another level. His mood soured fast at the contemplation.

 

“You really loved the girl this time, huh?” The words slipped from Seongwoo, ladened with a mix of accusation and astonishment, with a tiny sprinkle of fear.

 

Daniel stared at Seongwoo, bewilderment marked all over his face, apparently uncertain at how to respond the latter’s.

 

“I didn’t mean anything,” Seongwoo hastily corrected himself before the situation deteriorated further. “I just thought it usually never affected you this deeply.” Seongwoo wanted to palm himself at his choice of words. _What if Daniel thought I accused him of playing around all this time?_ Which certainly sounded exactly as if it’s intended in his elaboration.

 

Daniel hesitated for a time but then sighed, “Yeah, hyung. I guess-“ He stopped midsentence, seemed to considering his words as well. “I guess I really do love this girl, more than the others before her.”

 

The words did not bring Seongwoo the relief it should had for not being misunderstood. Instead, he felt like he’s been punched, beaten all over, and left to rot in an unknown dark dirty back alley.

 

“D- do you… want to talk about it?” His voice quivered as he braved himself to address the younger.

 

Daniel looked at Seongwoo with an expression he couldn’t read. For a moment the younger just let his gaze lingered on Seongwoo, before he sighed deeply and lowered his head so Seongwoo couldn’t see his face.

 

“I do, hyung. I really want to tell you, but-“

 

“You don’t have to force yourself, Niel-ah.” Seongwoo cut Daniel before he could make his case. “I understand that sometimes it’s hard to explain. You can try when you’re well rested and having a clearer mind, and only if you wanted to.” Seongwoo realized that he was also divided inside. Some part of him yearned to know, yet other revolted at the coming possibilities and impacts they would serve him.

 

Again Daniel stared at him with that unreadable expression.

 

“It’s okay, hyung. I know it’s also tiring for you to listen to me every time. I-”

 

Seongwoo wrapped his arm round Daniel’s head and started to caress him, and the younger stopped his rambling at the sudden movement. Seemingly unable to hold his feeling, Daniel whimpered and started to quietly sob. Seongwoo was dumbstruck finding that Daniel saw through him and his thanked his instinctual reflexes that successfully mitigated a downward spiral.

 

“Don’t cry, Niel-ah.” Seongwoo sounded like he was pacifying an upset baby. “I’ve told you I wanted to listen. What made you think I don’t want to listen to you?”

 

Daniel calmed a bit and mumbled, “I don’t know, hyung. I just feel that you’re upset.”

 

The words he heard took Seongwoo by surprise.

 

“I’m upset that you’re this upset, Daniel-ah.” That much was honest, Seongwoo thought. “It’s true that I didn’t expect it to be this bad.”

 

Daniel gave him a shaky laugh. “Neither do I, hyung. I- I honestly thought we had it good this time.”

 

As much as Seongwoo dread the incoming truth, his curiosity overcame him. “What happened, Niel-ah?”

 

The younger didn’t immediately answer. Instead he drew several long breath to calm himself, perhaps preparing for the upcoming emotional upheaval.

 

“She dumped me, hyung,” Daniel said steadily, voice sharp as surgeon’s knife. “It was her birthday yesterday. We had a dinner planned at the French restaurant with great wine that we had for your birthday, and everything went so well-“

 

Daniel’s voice trailed off and muted, covered by an unidentifiable buzz that muffled Seongwoo’s ear. He knew that restaurant Daniel referred to. They had celebrated his birthday there, but what bugging his mind wasn’t that Daniel planned someone else’s birthday at that same place. Rather it was that Daniel actually brought anyone else to that place. _To their place._

 

Seongwoo couldn’t rationalize the sudden surge of possessiveness swelling in his chest. It shouldn’t much of a matter. There are dozens of likewise restaurants scattered across the district, let alone the entire city if one were to studiously search. But perhaps that’s exactly the oil that was poured into the raging flame at Seongwoo’s heart. _There are dozens of restaurants and he took that bitch to_ that _restaurant. The one where we had snuck out into. The one when you first introduced me to wine. The one where we shared so many stories at the beginning of- of- whatever we are._

 

“-had the private room because it was messy as hell.”

 

“What did you two do there?” Seongwoo’s sounded almost robotic withholding outbursts. He shouldn’t have asked. Shouldn’t have dared to hear Daniel recited that they have the exact same wine they had, and the exact same meal they ate.

 

“I’ve just told you, hyung,” Daniel huffed. “We didn’t do much. Hell the cake hadn’t even been brought out yet. I just told her how great that place are, how much I enjoyed when we had your birthday dinner there and how happy you were, and how I thought it would be great to celebrate her birthday there as well. And then that- that woman- she just stood up and told me it’s over and then stormed out of the place.”

 

Seongwoo felt his burning anger got extinguished by a tsunami. Did he mistakenly hear the younger? Perhaps some information was jumbled in Daniel’s lengthy exposition?

 

The older male felt giddy. He blamed his overly active mind to jump at the conclusion ahead of him. He prayed to the Lord of seven hells and nine heavens that this wasn’t just his mind playing dirty tricks on him.

 

_Did that woman feel what I think she felt? Or rather, did she, after hearing Daniel’s words, feel the same thing Seongwoo a few moments ago felt, after hearing the same person’s words?_

_Jealousy?_

 

“You’re not paying attention again, hyung,” Daniel’s dissatisfied sigh startled Seongwoo. The younger had glanced and definitely seen Seongwoo’s unfocused gaze and mouth slightly left ajar. “You can honestly say you’re not interested, you know hyung. Or tired or-“

 

“No. No. No, Daniel. No. I’m just- baffled? I think?” Seongwoo cursed inwardly at the inappropriate excitement he tried to suppress right now. “I mean. I don’t understand why that would make her so angry.”

 

“Exactly, hyung!” Daniel let out a exasperated sigh. “I don’t understand it either. She’s completely irrational!”

 

“So she- erm- what was her name again?”

 

“Son Gungwu”

 

“Yeah, that. Erm, it’s a bit unusual, right? For an actress, even.”

 

“Really? I thought the name’s just fine.”

 

“It brings an image of a hairy legendary figure.”

 

Daniel choked on the noodle at Seongwoo’s jokes. Certainly he understood that reference, Seongwoo mentally sneered.

 

“I think her name reflected her behavior.” Seongwoo felt a little bit guilty slandering the woman. Today’s case was an accurate example on why he had a change of heart from loathing to pity on Daniel’s former partner. Surely there should be a limit on how oblivious and tactless someone could be. Talking about how he had planned birthday event for someone else in the same place and then elaborating even further on the said event was only a little short of rubbing salt on an open wound. But then again Seongwoo thought Daniel had clearly stated that the birthday event was planned for Seongwoo, already known to be the closest to Daniel among other members of the former group.

 

“Don’t say that, hyung.” Daniel grimaced. “I’m not ready to start badmouthing her.”

 

“Ah, I’m sorry. I forgot that this one’s _special_ ,” Seongwoo dared himself to jest which earned him a glare from Daniel. “Sorry, Niel-ah. Can’t help. But I’m curious, though.”

 

“About what?”

 

“Why do you think this one’s more special than all the parade before her?

 

“Ah, hyung…” Daniel whined at the tiny jab on his supposed promiscuousness, which Seongwoo knew was actually just plain naiveness.

 

“Sorry. Sorry.” Seongwoo lightly chuckled. “I’m serious about the question, though. You said it yourself that you- that this one’s different.” Seongwoo rephrased his sentence. Call it sheer pettiness but he refused to let that statement so bluntly came out of his mouth.

 

Daniel seemed to weigh a lot of things before answering, “Actually I can’t exactly explain that too, hyung.”

 

Seongwoo knew better than the obnoxiously ignorant male beside him that love is irrational.

 

“I think I just enjoy being with her. She’s smart, witty; never short a word to shoot back at me. She likes to joke about people around her, and even joked about herself; she has that self-deprecating sense of humor. She’s an actress but she’s never had that pompousness; in fact she’s quite humble. Not exactly meek as peasant, but also not high and mighty like a queen. Do you know where we went on our dates, hyung? Not some rich ass establishments with absurdly overpriced stuffs. No. We went to this secluded, almost unknown café surrounded by green hills like the one we once went in Gapyeong. We sneaked out into public place, betting on the longest to stay undiscovered. Other time we just drove around sightseeing. I don’t know, hyung, she’s just- She seemed so real to me. And I- Whenever I’m with her, I- I feel- nice. I feel- at home.” Daniel finished his Elysian description; staring longingly at an imaginary dot high on the wall.

 

But Seongwoo’s belligerent mind had already begun waging war since the middle of Daniel’s speech. The casus belli was that exact speech; that ethereal description of Daniel’s idyllic romance that strangely, awkwardly felt very similar to the other person sitting in the same room, sharing the same sofa. One faction strongly favored that plainly obvious interpretation and wanted Seongwoo to ditch caution, smacked the younger on the head, and yelled at him on how that description perfectly described them. The other protested loudly that brash actions predated ugly consequences, and that gutsy move would destroy the very thing Seongwoo tried so hard to maintain the past four years: their bond; whatever name they labeled it with.

 

Amidst the raging battle, however, Seongwoo realized something. One that he could no longer deny after hearing Daniel’s romantic vision. One that was agreed by all side in his disputing mind. One that he suppressed for so long and avoided for even longer. A confession.

 

 _I loved him_.

 

He loved Daniel.

 

It was bold and underline on the center of his mind, with a fiery red font that glowed even stronger whenever he rewound Daniel’s words recounting his version of ideal love.

 

It was Seongwoo. All he did was describing Seongwoo except for the pronoun confusion.

 

He _loved_ Seongwoo.

 

Seongwoo almost jolted outright from the realization. He felt the euphoria, the adrenergic rush, raising goosebumps all over his body. He trembled in anticipation, rejoiced in his long-fought, well-deserved victory.

 

_Daniel loved me._

 

_He just didn’t realize it yet._

 

He felt a thorn pricked his bubble of excitement, but that didn’t mean he went outright unhappy. Seongwoo was immediately calculating. He needed to think it through on how to make Daniel realized the truth of his feeling, the nature of their bond-

 

“Hyung?”

 

“Yes, Daniel.” Seongwoo answered so fast it slightly startled Daniel.

 

“I’m really tired. Could we call it a day and sleep a little bit?”

 

Seongwoo fished his phone from his pants pocket. 4.30 AM flashed on the home screen.

 

“Daniel, it’s four thirty. We sleep now, we’ll wake up at noon.”

 

“Don’t worry, hyung. I’ll message the managers to clear this morning’s schedule. We’re not in a middle of promotion anyway.” Daniel grabbed his own phone and started texting rapidly.

 

“Oh the perks of being your own CEO.”

 

“Hmph. Good thing I’m your CEO too, now. Could you please switch off the lights hyung?”

 

“Whatever your heart’s desire, master,” Seongwoo mocked as he walked across the room. When he turned back to Daniel, the younger had already elongated the sofa to a bed.

 

“We can sleep here, right? It’s cozy enough,” Daniel cautiously asked.

 

“It is a sofa-bed?” Seongwoo stared in a slacked-jaw amazement.

 

Daniel raised his eyebrow. “You’ve lived here for a year and you don’t know? Ah this Ongcheongie,” Daniel ended with a playful snorted.

 

The younger positioned himself to the plush sofa-bed ready for a dream, but Seongwoo walked in the direction of his room instead.

 

“Hyung?” Daniel inquired, seemingly hurt that the older decided to walk away on him, but before he had the chance to mope, Seongwoo had returned with two large pillows and a blanket and flung them to Daniel.

 

“This is why I love you, hyung.” Daniel’ voice rang in Seongwoo’s ears, but before he had time to process, a strong arm had dragged him down to the bed. Seongwoo thought that Daniel would sleep beside him, but to his surprise, the younger put his head on Seongwoo’s stomach; his hand guided Seongwoo’s to encircled him.

 

Seongwoo didn’t think that he would get any rest at all.

 

“Hyung…” Daniel’s voice was almost unintelligible

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Do you love me?”

 

Seongwoo stared at the younger. Daniel had his eyes closed, but he certainly had not been sleeptalking.

 

The words were hanging on the tip of Seongwoo’s tongue.

 

“You always took so long to answer, hyung.” Daniel whined and pouted. “Do you not love this little brother of your?”

 

If only Daniel knew how twisted Seongwoo’s feeling was hearing that question.

 

“Of course I do, Daniel.” Seongwoo halted, bracing himself to speak, for the first time, the biggest lie that had ever come out of his mouth. “I love you.”

 

Daniel seemed content with Seongwoo’s answer and happily nuzzled the back of his head somehow deeper to Seongwoo’s stomach, grinning from ear to ear. It was not long until the younger finally dozed off and let out a light snore, leaving Seongwoo alone, drowned in the ramifications of his words.

 

 _Do you not love_ this little brother _of you?_

 

That was the question.

 

That was the full question.

 

The words and the emphasis rewound over and over again in Seongwoo’s mind, distant yet clear enough, reverberating inside his head like a monk’s chanting.

 

Did Seongwoo really love Daniel? Did he love him enough to be content on never having the chance of being more than a loving older brother figure? Had he actually lie when he said ’I love you’ to Daniel just now?

 

A mixture guilt and sadness overwhelmed Seongwoo and he finally broke his defenses he tried to reinforce all night long. His tears flowed on his cheeks, glistening like a jewel, reflecting the rays of early sun seeping through the tiny opening on the curtain. Silently staring at the peaceful angelic puppy sleeping on his lap, Seongwoo saw his little brother’s face slightly crinkled when a drop of tear fell upon his cheek. Seongwoo’s hand trembled as he reached out to wipe away the disturbing wetness.

 

 _No, Daniel._ Seongwoo sighed as he said to himself; sweet pain engraved each and every silent utterance. _I didn’t lie._

_I love you. But it is a love that dares not speak its name._


	2. To Hug and Be Hugged In Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conflicts and resentments brew amidst the convenience of non-communication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brought in two all-time favorite characters on Ongniel's ffs. Others will follow in future chapters.
> 
> Also, had the rating just gone up to 'Mature'?  
> It must have something to do with the chapter's s- se-

“S- Something’s troubling your mind, Seongwoo-ssi?”

 

The question was addressed by a feeble, stuttering woman to a lithe young man standing behind bustling production crew, silently staring at the ongoing shooting taking place in the middle of auburn forest. Clad in a white full dress uniform especially prepared for the period drama set in late modern period, the man gave off a regal aura that’s almost heavenly in nature. As if enacting a scene from fairytale, the handsome Prince Charming blinked slowly and then turned his gaze to the source of voice.

 

It was late October but the small petite girl felt warmth creeping to his face. Cold autumn wind chose that exact moment to breathe a gentle breeze, blowing maple leaves from the direction of the regal figure. The woman lowered his gaze to the ground, suddenly becoming conscious.

 

“I’m fine, thank you for your attention.” Deep mellow voice grazed the woman’s ear, and the delicate warmth she recently felt combusted to violent flame. Her heart beating dangerously fast and she heard voices thundered inside her head with a power of a thousand excited noona at comeback concert after months long hiatus, chanting: LOOK! AT! HIM! LOOK! AT! HIM!

 

Slowly she braved himself to move her gaze upwards, voraciously taking in everything she laid her sight on and burning them on the most permanent place on her memory. She mesmerized at how the uniform perfectly hugged the slim yet athletic body; wondered how comfy those shoulder under hidden under gold epaulettes would be for crying on. Oh how that neck and chin and jaw and lips looked like carved out of the finest marble by Michaelangelo himself.

 

Three black stars on a flawless white cheek was the last thing she saw, before she caught a glimpse at the sinful lips widened into the sweetest smile she had ever seen and darkness covered his eyes.

 

“Oh my God!” A lighting crew that was standing beside her noticed her feet losing strength and rushed to support her fall. “Hey are you okay? Hey!”

 

Some other crew members gathered at the commotion, fussing over the unexpected accident.

 

“She’s still breathing. It looks like she fainted.” “Did she not eat before coming to the set?” “Should we call an ambulance?” “Somebody please get her something sweet to drink.”

 

The director sighed at the sight, “Maybe it’s the temperature. Let’s move her somewhere warm. Everybody else make sure you protect yourself from the cold breeze. We can’t afford another crew fainting on set.”

 

Several male crew members moved her limp body to a nearby tent.

 

Meanwhile another person hummed at Seongwoo ears, voice fueled with playful mockery.

 

“I believe it’s not cold wind the woman should have protected herself from.”

 

Seongwoo recognized the voice. He knew the person all too well and well enough to know that he’s not going to let Seongwoo off so easily.

 

“What do you think could have make her fainted then?” Seongwoo decided to humor the other male.

 

The other person walked to Seongwoo’s front and looked him squarely at his face. He quietly eyed Seongwoo a moment too long, as if he’s seeing Seongwoo for the first time in his life. But Seongwoo knew better that the person in front of him was just playing coy. It’s not like they spent almost two years being in the same group not looking at each other. Seongwoo returned the other’s gaze and found himself looking at two foxy eyes.

 

“I could be mistaken. But perhaps it has something to do with being graced by the presence of His Highness, Ong Seongwoo.” The other male’s voice was even heavier with derision; the corner of his mouth trembled, apparently suppressing his laughter.

 

 _Always a flair for the dramatic._ Seongwoo snorted inwardly.

 

“If that was true, then people should protect themselves from you even more, Your Most Royal Highness.” Seongwoo gave a theatrical pause, before muttering his last three words with feigned contempt. “Hwang. Min. Hyun.”

 

The other male burst to laughter, unable to contain his amusement any longer. Seongwoo knew from experience that it would take some time before his best friend calmed down.

 

Although he said it as an attempt to match Minhyun’s dramatic flair, Seongwoo meant it to his heart. Minhyun, even now when he was kneeling on the ground, clutching his stomach, still managed to give Seongwoo an impression of a noble. His same-aged friend was, by all means, handsome, _as fuck_. If people back then considered Seongwoo to match the beauty of Hellenistic sculpture, they probably hadn’t seen Minhyun. Had they seen him, they would have probably thought of him as no mere statue but the God Adonis himself.

 

The only quirk dragging his friend down, some people thought, was his fondness of everything antique; at times he would adopt an attitude of a Victorian era gentleman, bowing down and all. But Seongwoo thought that kind of oddity fit his friend’s already princely quality the most, to the point that he would not bother to question if one time Minhyun decided to announce that he was actually a time-traveler from distant past. After all, his friend had already earned a comparison to a historical figure, a famous Chinese military strategist, although that was due to having a tactical mind, which he famously demonstrated during their predebut show.

 

The casting director had done a tremendous job, Seongwoo mused. It appeared to Seongwoo that the role: a young, handsome, and ambitious prince, who tried to win the throne through wit and flirt, was designed to perfectly tailor the actor.

 

But what make Seongwoo believed that the casting director, a woman in her late thirty, was a clairvoyant, was his own role: another young and handsome prince, who loved his own sister.

 

_His own biological sister._

Now that’s the kind of twist you’ll not often find in K-dramas. It would almost certainly cause an uproar the moment their relationship, or rather, his one-sided yearning, revealed on the television. Seongwoo suspected that such taboo drew inspiration from a recent popular epic period drama and mentally noted to ask the scriptwriter as soon as he had the courage.

 

Of course magic wasn’t the only explanation on such a serendipitous coincidence. There was another factor at play: a person who went out of his way to recommend him to the director, who gushed to Seongwoo about the role, who pressured him to attend the whole audition process. The same person who also heard Seongwoo’s tearful story on his current predicament: Hwang Minhyun.

 

Seongwoo only watched as his scheming friend finally brought himself up, having calmed down from his bout of laughter. His royal anus looked at Seongwoo with an amused expression, the one he shot Seongwoo with ever since they began shooting the drama. Granted, it was Seongwoo’s fault for not reading the entirety of his script; and his clouded mind didn’t manage to catch up on why the casting director repeatedly ensure whether he’s okay with the role with worried look on her face.

 

“She got the subject wrong though, right?”

 

“What? Who?”

 

“The woman who just fainted in front your face, Seongwoo.” Minhyun grinned. “Had it happened too often for you to remember which one?”

 

How Seongwoo wish that Minhyun would just shut his trap these days.

 

“Shut up.” Seongwoo gritted through his teeth.

 

Minhyun placed his hand upon his heart, pretending to be hurt by Seongwoo terse reply.

 

“Are you still angry about the role, Seongwoo-ah? You know I just wanted to help you with your situation.” Minhyun pouted, which seemed so unnatural unlike the other pouting and whining person Seongwoo remembered.

 

“Geez, it’s such a great help. Thank you very much, Minhyun-ssi.” Seongwoo hoped the sarcasm was acidic enough to corrode Minhyun’s intention of playing around.

 

“I already said I’m sorry, Seongwoo-ah. I honestly thought this would help you. Okay maybe not the part about that incestuous desire,” Minhyun added after receiving death glare. “But you need to clear your mind of that issue, and the only way you can do that is busying yourself. Do things.”

 

“Yeah, sure. Nothing takes off my mind from feeling guilty being in love with someone who thinks of me as his older brother like playing a role of someone who falls in love with his own sister.” Seongwoo ended his caustic rant with hiss.

 

“I said I’m sorry,” Minhyun repeated.

 

Seongwoo only replied with cold stare, and then sighed and turned to watch the drama set once more, who was now enacting a duel between two knights.

 

“Have you talked to him?”

 

“I have.”

 

“About that issue.”

 

“Oh, that. Well, no.” Seongwoo tried to keep his response as concise as he could. The last thing he needed was breaking into tears in the middle of shooting.

 

Minhyun sighed, “You have to, Seongwoo-ah. There’s no holding back like this forever.”

 

Seongwoo knew that the other only meant well for him, but he had heard Minhyun said this to him over and over again and no matter how much Seongwoo tried to even consider his best friend’s advice, he couldn’t help but think that it’s the worst thing he could do.

 

“And no, talking about it is far from a bad decision, let alone the worse.” Minhyun had also partaken in the conversation enough that he knew what Seongwoo thought of his advice.

 

“And hearing my reasons many times wasn’t enough?” Seongwoo shot back. “It won’t work, Minhyun-ah. We’re lousy with words. _I’m_ lousy with words. It’s very likely end up in a complete disaster, and then what would come up from it?”

 

“But you said that his description of the ‘perfect love’ was all describing you and whatever relationship you were both in right now. Are you sure Daniel hasn’t already thought both of you are dating?”

 

“Stop planting such wishful thinking in my head. I’ll end up delusional.” Seongwoo hoped the other recognized the finality in his tone. It’s bad enough that he actually thought Daniel was describing their ‘relationship’ when the younger recounted his last romance, which he considered the closest to true love he had ever experienced. Seongwoo didn’t need to think further that Daniel somehow had been secretly pining for Seongwoo and yearning to declare his undying love for the older male.

 

_Nope._

_Definitely doesn’t need that._

 

Yet it seeped into Seongwoo’s mind, interrupting his thoughts, corrupting his dreams. At times when he didn’t focus on something, idleness gave the cue and scenarios started to play on his mind. Some of them were innocent, some were obscene and scandalous enough that Seongwoo was grateful they had a separate room; he feared that one night desire got the best of him and he started jumping on the younger, feeling that hot toned body, ravaging him with kisses and-

 

“You’re doing it right now, aren’t you? Deluding yourself?”

 

His best friend’s half-disgusted, half-pitying voice awoke Seongwoo from his fantasies and he felt shame rushing throughout him. He lowered his gaze to the ground, tears welling in his eyes.

 

Minhyun seemed aware of what’s coming and hugged him tight. Seongwoo appreciated the warmth and the sentiment but he couldn’t help but feel that Minhyun’s hug was different from Daniel’s.

 

Maybe it was because one came from his best friend and the other came from-

 

_His ‘little brother’?_

Seongwoo shuddered at the thought of that title he was forced to place on Daniel.

 

It was so close, yet so far.

 

“Seongwoo-ah, listen to me.” There was guilt and sadness on Minhyun’s voice. “I know you’re sick of my advice, but allow me to try to convince you one last time. You know that nothing is ever gonna be easy dealing with things like this, Seongwoo. If you tell Daniel your feelings, there are only two possible outcomes, he accepts it and both of you live happily ever after; or he doesn’t, in which case you’ll get hurt, but at least it will be over. But the longer you hold back your feelings like this, the longer you’re going to hurt, and the longer you might have hurt him as well.”

 

Seongwoo fell into deep silence as he pondered Minhyun’s words. The other arms kept tightly sealed around him. Minhyun didn’t seem to mind that they’re in the middle of a production and a lot of people might be staring, but Seongwoo was in no state to care about his image either.

 

“If- If I tell him…” Seongwoo paused.

 

“Yes, Seongwoo-ah?” Minhyun encouraged him to go on.

 

Seongwoo drew deep breath before continuing. “If I tell him, there’s a chance that we won’t be close anymore. And that’s a risk I’m not willing to take. I don’t care if he never knows my true feelings, Minhyun-ah.”

 

He unravelled himself from Minhyun’s hug and looked at the other with half built determination.

 

“What we have right now; it’s definitely not how I wanted it to be. It’s not ideal, but-” Seongwoo forced a broken smile at Minhyun. “-But we can’t always have what we want.”

 

Seongwoo could see Minhyun contemplating whether to continue debating or not, and he wished the other wouldn’t because he barely had any strength or logical reasoning to counter.

 

“Fine.” Minhyun let out a defeated sigh. “But I want you to answer one question.”

 

“You’ll always have the last word, Hwang Gallyang,” Seongwoo teased the other with the name of the aforementioned Chinese strategist.

 

Minhyun ignored the name calling and stared at Seongwoo with determination unlike the one Seongwoo just gave him. “What then do you think you have right now?”

 

Seongwoo hesitated; he didn’t have an exact answer for that either.

 

“I don’t know. All I can say is that we have some sort of… understanding.”

 

Minhyun furrowed his brow, visibly dissatisfied with the lacking answer. “And that is?”

 

Seongwoo sighed and mustered all his will to continue.

 

“To hug and be hugged in return. I mean… Isn’t that the greatest thing you’ll ever learn?”

 

Minhyun blinked twice at Seongwoo’s words, and then raised his arms in defeat. Seongwoo only caught a glimpse of disappointment showing all over the angelic face before the other turned his back and started to walk away from Seongwoo, but he could faintly heard the departing royalty muttered under his breath.

 

“The correct line is ‘to love and be loved in return’, you dumbass.”

 

\---

 

The outdoor filming for the drama took an entire week, after which Seongwoo felt burnt out almost lifeless. All he wanted to do was to creep into his bed and hibernate, but the end of the project called for a get-together overflowing with liquor. So after being reprimanded by his manager about how bad he would look should he declined the social custom, Seongwoo found himself seated beside Minhyun and an actress who co-starred alongside him in the drama. Fate dictated that she had to be the same person role playing as Seongwoo’s forbidden love interest.

 

If Minhyun was amused at Seongwoo’s current situation, he definitely held back from making it obvious, although from the corner of his eyes Seongwoo caught the other observing him longer than acceptable. But Seongwoo actually didn’t mind if Minhyun discontinued his vigil, because for about an hour since the gathering started, Seongwoo had been pestered with a barrage of questions and quips from the said actress.

 

Seongwoo had been polite enough to properly answer the first few questions, but the moment the count reached number thirty-four, he decided to ditch the friendly idol persona and returned to his sarcastic self. Amazingly enough, Seongwoo inwardly cursed, the woman managed to remain oblivious and considered Seongwoo’s laconic words and snipes cute.

 

As if the chirping wasn’t enough, the girl, who was several years Seongwoo junior, was the overly comfortable type who didn’t have the slightest awareness on the concept of personal space, or any capabilities of perceiving others’ blatant inconvenience for that matter. Seongwoo’s head hurt as he tried to strategize the best way to be rid off the aggravating woman, without breaching code of gentle conduct. To his utter annoyance, his best friend, the master strategist, had to choose that time to give him a silent treatment.

 

Seongwoo groaned as the woman cling onto his arm and insisted to take a selfie of them. As soon as the woman took the picture Seongwoo pushed her hand away. The actress looked startled or the first time that night at Seongwoo’s gesture.

 

“Sorry. I really had to go to the bathroom.” Seongwoo forced an apologetic smile.

 

“Oh, okay.” The woman shrugged, but she replied Seongwoo’s with a sickeningly sweet one, before she returned to obsess over the picture she just took.

 

Seongwoo had no choice but to excuse himself. He soon found himself in a deserted bathroom, standing in front the sink.

 

 _Thank God she’s as dumb as she’s blind._ Seongwoo spared no decency on his thought of her, although he was also astonished at his harsh dictions. Surely the woman was obnoxious, but did she truly deserve the profanities Seongwoo mentally hurled at her. Perhaps there was another reason for his disproportionately excessive resentment for the woman. Perhaps she was an innocent bystander, whose only sin was her inauspicious role, making her a convenient practice target for Seongwoo’s suppressed emotion.

 

Seongwoo sighed and gazed at his reflection on the mirror. The face looking back at him was still as Davidic. But he didn’t look like the biblical king after he defeated Goliath; he looked like the king when he lost his Jonathan.

 

_Maybe Minhyun was right. Maybe it’s time we have that talk._

 

The actor decided he had enough for the night. He informed his manager that he’s feeling unwell, which earned him a short moment of threatening glare. But the older man caved to his request and told him he’d ready the van while Seongwoo apologized to the staff for breaking decorum. The staff didn’t seem to mind him leaving, but their parting remarks sounded off for Seongwoo. Why would they be wishing him good luck? It should had been ‘thank you for your hard work’ or ‘you’ve worked hard’. Minhyun sent him an intense gaze and rose to approach him, but Seongwoo shook his head and the other stopped his move. Seongwoo could clearly saw there’s something Minhyun wanted to say, but he barely had any energy left to engage the other, so he just smiled and turned away to the exit.

 

\---

 

As soon as Seongwoo’s on the van, he fished his phone from his pocket and messaged his ‘little brother’. It’s been four weeks since Seongwoo’s been brotherzoned but life went on just as usual for both of them, at least on the surface. Seongwoo’s been plagued by sudden bouts of depressive mood and increasingly disturbing fantasies, which made him intent to distance himself from the younger. He couldn’t resist the temptation of being in the other’s proximity though, so the change was barely intelligible.

 

Daniel had been as close to him as ever, but Seongwoo thought the younger realized his swings not long after it started. At one time when Daniel had a shoot out of city, Seongwoo closeted himself in his room for a whole day, ignoring Daniel’s messages and calls, as well as his manager’s. He was surprised when he woke up early evening to Daniel hugging him from beside his bed, home one day earlier than scheduled. It turned out Daniel forfeited his planned sightseeing with the co-members after the shoot wrapped and took the earliest flight he could get to return. The gesture alone erased Seongwoo’s glum, but the jokbal that Daniel brought from his favorite place lifted him to elation.

 

They spent that night side by side in the living room just like they did after Seongwoo’s brotherly love confession. Seongwoo hugged Daniel, and Daniel hugged Seongwoo in return; and that made Seongwoo feel content and fulfilled.

 

Seongwoo opened his chat with Daniel. The younger had sent several messages that Seongwoo had not read. Sudden jolt from the van made him dizzy and his mind flitted over the unread texts so he just typed his messages quickly.

 

**Seongwoo**

Sorry, Daniel-ah :(( 8.34 PM

Slept omw back 8.34 PM

You home? 8.35 PM

I’ll make it up to you ;) 8.35 PM

 

Seongwoo stared at the screen for a moment, waiting. He felt sorry for not reading Daniel’s messages, while the younger would almost always immediately reply him. Seongwoo’s watch didn’t last long, however. The steady rocking of the van when it entered the highway, as well as his physical and mental exertion overwhelmed him and after just five minutes Seongwoo had fallen into a deep slumber.

 

\---

 

“I’m home~~”

 

Only the clock ticking greeted Seongwoo back.

 

The apartment was deserted, no ‘little brother’ Kang Daniel waiting expectantly for him.

 

And it sucked.

 

_Along the road taking the elevator Seongwoo had been happily dreaming of his glorious return. He imagined being greeted by his oversized puppy, woofing and sniffing, fussing all over him. Seongwoo even secretly hoped that Daniel throw him a surprise welcome party with alcohol and jokbal just for the both of them, which led to them cuddling afterwards, and maybe made both of them giddy enough to finally confess and take things a step further-_

_Seongwoo had to forcefully shut his mind before his delusion took control. He felt feverish when he neared the door, hand and fingers trembled when he entered the passcode and turn the handle-_

 

But the higher he dared to dream, the harder he’s going to fall, and Seongwoo was embroiled in disappointment of crashed fantasies. Feeling bitter and downcast, he only half-heartedly dragged his feet and suitcase toward his room, hoping the exhaustion quickly overcome his wretchedness and bring him to sleep. He didn’t even think to text or call Daniel, weary of experiencing further rejection.

 

As he passed through the barren living room, however, Seongwoo noticed several things that awoken his catlike curiosity. His souring mood slowly dissipated as he took into consideration the strange state the living room had been left to be.

 

The lights’ on, apparently Daniel didn’t bother to switch it off before leaving, but that’s not unusual despite the younger’s usually attentive nature. The utter deviation from normalcy came in the form of several box of takeout meals laid on the table, unopened and, judging from the smell of it, uneaten either.

 

_Now that’s weird._

 

It was very out of character for Daniel to _not eat_ , no matter how pressing the issues he might have. Letting a full course meal alone and untouched? No. No with a capital N.

 

Perhaps he ditched his hope too early after all, Seongwoo mused. His ears literally perked up as he scanned the nook and cranny of the living room, ignoring the fact that there was hardly any space capable of hiding the shoulder the width of Pacific Ocean.

 

 _In one of the rooms then._ Seongwoo grinned and made his move with nimble feet, enjoying the hide and seek.

 

\---

 

The black feline should had known better than to let his deluded hope rise, only to find it crushed to pieces one more time. He searched the rooms inside their shared apartment once, and then once again with heightened anxiety, before falling to the couch in a state of mind far worse than the first time he walked into the room. The roller coaster ride his mood took left him bemoaning. Huddling his knees atop the sofa, Seongwoo felt consciousness slowly seeped out of him, only to be taken back ungraciously by a rumble coming from his stomach.

 

Seongwoo cursed.

 

Is this Daniel’s true plan? To let Seongwoo torn between being angry at him or eating the food he had obviously bought?

 

After a few moments of internal warring and increasingly desperate stomach screamings, Seongwoo decided that he had to at least contact Daniel first. His overly active mind had led him to a sinking pit twice in the last ten minutes, and he realized he would feel guilty blaming the younger for a crime he did not commit.

 

He took his phone out and opened their chatroom: no response from Daniel.

 

Seongwoo snorted and scrolled above. He read the texts Daniel had sent him before.

 

**Daniel**

Hyung~~ 03.58 PM

You said you’re coming back today :( 03.58 PM

So why’re you not home yet? :(( 03.58 PM

:((( 04.10 PM

:(((( 04.16 PM

:((((( 04.42 PM

You’re so mean hyung :( 05.01 PM

Don’t you love me? :( 05.02 PM

:( 05.37 PM

 

_Hmph. Inconsistent prick!_

 

Seongwoo deliberated on what to text Daniel with. Should he begin with politely asking the younger’s whereabouts or would it be better to go full Kim Jongun on him instead? He typed and retyped his message a few times, wanting it to sound fiercely disappointed and not too accusing at the same time.

 

He didn’t manage to send a single text at the end, however, because as fortune stated, he received an incoming call. Not from Daniel, but the caller’s name invoked a feeling both fond and frightening, like the one Seongwoo thought he would feel when he met his future in-laws.

 

_Yoon Jisung._

 

Perhaps it was instinctual reflex not to keep your mother waiting, Seongwoo immediately tapped the green light and brought his phone to his face.

 

“Eomma-ya, long time no see~”

 

“Seongwoo-ya.”

 

Seongwoo felt his heart dropped to his stomach. His singsong tune was met with a deep serious grumble. _Did military enlistment truly have that capability?_

 

“Yes, hyung? What’s going on? You sound so serious.” The longer he thought about it, the more Seongwoo felt unsettled. Jisung had quickly reestablished close contact with Seongwoo soon after the older’s discharge. Both of them were comfortable enough to share their worries: Seongwoo about his incoming enlistment and Jisung his comeback. But they’re not the type to casually chat at ten o’clock nighttime, Jisung had Sungwoon for that. And as for Seongwoo, well, there’s no need to say to whom he reserved his late night chats for.

 

The unsettling feeling grew even further as Seongwoo realized if there’s one thing Jisung would call Seongwoo for at odd hours, it would concern only one person: Kang Daniel.

 

“Hyung, what’s going on? Why are you not talking?” Seongwoo felt his own voice tinged with pressing urgency.

 

“Seongwoo, I don’t want you to freak out, but I have to let you know.” Jisung inhaled a short breath and Seongwoo tensed. “I’m with Daniel right now; he’s drunk and passed out. I’ll drive him to your apartment.”

 

“P-passed out?” Seongwoo stammered, he felt colors leaving his skin.

 

“Yeah, but like I said,” Jisung quickly added, “You don’t need to freak out. He’s alright. I’ll drive him over and then…” The former leader paused. “And then you guys have your talk.”

 

“What? What do you mean?” But Seongwoo was cut by disconnected tone ringing from the other line.

 

Seongwoo felt empty. And then suddenly he felt wetness dripped on his cheek. He began to hyperventilate as anxiety filled him.

 

 _“-drunk and passed out. I’ll drive-,”_ Jisung’s words rewound like a broken tape inside his head.

_Drunk and passed out? Daniel?_ The _Kang Daniel who seemingly had reserve liver to process all that alcohol? Drunk himself to oblivion?_

 

Seongwoo felt like in a daze.

 

_What the fuck has happened?_

 

He absentmindedly stared at the uneaten meals on the table.

 

Fuck, Seongwoo thought. He was ashamed and disappointed at himself. He felt like a jerk. Someone definitely unworthy of being Daniel’s older brother, let alone more.

 

There he saw proof of discordance in Daniel’s actions, and all he thought about was himself.  What a selfish jerk, Seongwoo reprimanded himself. His guilt only intensified as he were reminded that, for a short moment during Jisung’s call, he allowed himself to be angry at the Daniel and let his accusing thought ran wild, suspecting it to be the vestiges of another of the younger’s romantic venture.

 

Seongwoo could not stop the river that his tears had become, nor had he any intention to do so. Or any motivation to do anything else. He just sat there silently, incapable of any thought or movement, hoping that their surrogate mother came quickly to save their sons. What’s left of them.

 

\---

 

“He’s alright; he’s vomited out most of them. It’s just the leftover nausea.”

 

Jisung had arrived in less than twenty minutes. Seongwoo had only able to open the door for them, before the sight of limp and almost lifeless Daniel shocked the spirit out of him and left him almost lifeless as well. He just watched helplessly as Jisung did his wonder, striding across rooms: dropping Daniel on the sofa-bed, fetching blanket from his room, putting a glass and a jug of water on the table, and prepared a pan just in case Daniel felt like throwing up again.

 

The ‘mother’ took two steps away from the sight as if appreciating his own work, and then turned to Seongwoo, who until then just rooted on his place stupefied. Seongwoo braced himself to receive his final judgment. He could already feel Jisung’s negative aura towards him the moment he welcomed them, which assured Seongwoo that he was implicated in this mess.

 

“Seongwoo.” The older’s voice actually startled Seongwoo. Not because it was excessively harsh, but instead, unexpectedly sorrowful. Seongwoo just gaped at him.

 

“I understand if this was confusing, especially for you.” Jisung seemed to carefully weigh in his words. “I’m not in place to lecture you on your relationship, Seongwoo, but I just hope that you would talk to Daniel and cleared- _things_ up. Actually, I wondered why you didn’t tell him at the first place.”

 

It wasn’t the situation that baffled Seongwoo the most; it was Jisung words. _Did Daniel say something about their current_ relationship _?_ To even label whatever they have as a relationship was a dangerous decision for Seongwoo. But if Daniel had said it such to Jisung, Seongwoo had no way to back down.

 

“It has been on my mind to talk to him too, hyung. But you know how it goes between us; we never did well on talking.” Seongwoo sent Jisung an apologetic look, but the older arched his eyebrows in disbelief.

 

“Really? On the contrary, I thought you two chatterboxes are very good talkers, considering both of you could hardly shut up whenever I’m delivering my speeches,” Jisung coldly jabbed. Seongwoo dared to make a sheepish grin.

 

“Yeah, I thought so. Oh, and remember those times when I became the nation’s third wheel in our first dorm? Those were such good old days.” Seongwoo let out a whimpering laugh. _Since when have Jisung become this fueled with sarcasm?_

 

“We are excellent casual talkers, hyung. We just ran out of casual things already.”

 

“Well, these kind of things won’t go away if you just let them be either, Seongwoo-ya.” Seongwoo squirmed under Jisung’s intense gaze. There was no more playfulness on his tone. “Sooner or later you must have that talk to sort things out.”

 

Seongwoo couldn’t agree more. It’s not that he didn’t want to talk; it’s just that his fear of forming unbridgeable gap always got the upper hand on his mind.

 

Jisung sighed at Seongwoo’s indecision. “He’s your best friend at the very least, Seongwoo. You couldn’t help feeling a little bit betrayed to hear such news from the media first. It’s as if you didn’t trust him enough.”

 

_Wait, what?_

 

“Wh- what are you talking about, hyung? What news?” Seongwoo never felt this lost.

 

Jisung scrunched his face in disapproval. “Now you decided to play coy again, Ong Seongwoo?”

 

 _Play coy?_ Seongwoo could only gaped. Perhaps the confusion was so apparent on Ongchongie’s face that Jisung’s expression changed from suppressed anger to a bemused one.

 

“Hyung, what the hell is going on?” Seongwoo pressed.

 

Jisung seemed at lost for words. “Okay, I think we’ve not been talking on the same page right now. I’m sorry to ask this so bluntly, but… Are you seeing someone right now, Seongwoo?”

 

Seongwoo felt at utter bewilderment. “What? No! What’s going on, hyung?” He felt tonight’s situation had taken the strangest of the twist and turn, Seongwoo had no idea where it would led him.

 

Jisung didn’t answer him immediately, but Seongwoo could almost see gears rolling inside his head. The older took out his phone. He furiously typed and scrolled at the screen before handed it over to Seongwoo. “Daniel kept looking at this back then. Read it,” Jisung grimaced.

 

Seongwoo found himself staring at a famous gossip site. The moment he saw the picture endorsed by the article, he knew he’s in some deep shit. It was the selfie the dumb actress forced him to take a couple hours ago. Apparently the woman had the guts to post it to his own SNS account without even consulting Seongwoo’s first.

 

 _It was right to dislike her._ Seongwoo’s anger flared as he read the headline: Couple on and off the screen? _Cheap clickbait journalism!_

 

Seongwoo scrolled the screen. He didn’t need to carefully read line-by-line, and he skipped the comment sections entirely lest he stroked. It seemed there were only one stupid article about him and the queen of ostentations; the previous one was about him and Minhyun.

 

“It’s not true, hyung.” Seongwoo gritted his teeth. “I swear I’ll put that bitch in place-”

 

“Let’s-“ Jisung quickly intervened Seongwoo’s sizzling wrath. “-not do anything hasty, shall we. Call your manager. Let him and the management does their works. Right now, you have a more pressing issue to attend.”

 

Seongwoo couldn’t help but wonder what Jisung had learned during his enlistment. He used to be far less elegant with his words, and yet now his diplomatic words managed to soothe Seongwoo and prevented him from escalating. He couldn’t be more right though, Seongwoo thought. Right now there was a more ‘pressing issue’ for Seongwoo. His head started to ache as the thought of untangling the mess.

 

“Seongwoo, I gotta go,” Jisung’s words awoke Seongwoo. The older had already made his move to the exit.

 

“W- wait, hyung. I- I don’t know what to do,” Seongwoo suddenly felt desperate.

 

“Talk.” Jisung’s firm reply was heavy with finality.

 

“But- but-“ Seongwoo stuttered, “I really don’t know what to say, hyung, I mean- I don’t even know what he truly felt. Actually, you could tell me what he said to you. Please, hyung, give me a heads on what’s going on. I’m clueless.”

 

Seongwoo just knew somehow that Jisung wouldn’t fold.

 

Jisung sighed at the helpless male. “I couldn’t solve your problems for you, Seongwoo-ya. Mainly because I just couldn’t intrude on others’ lives. But also because I genuinely think what you and Daniel have is different than what I have with my friends; it might be unique even, which means that whatever I say to you, I’ll risk doing more harm than good. This is something that both of you have to work out on your own, Seongwoo. Hopefully it’ll end well. No, it will definitely end well.” Jisung gave Seongwoo a last glance at the doorstep; his eyes twinkle ever so slightly with rare mischief as he said, “it’s science after all.”

 

\---

 

 _11.30 PM_.

 

Seongwoo sat on the floor beside his ‘little brother’. He had never felt more worn out in his entire career. He should be feeling sleepy, but instead Seongwoo had never felt more aware, his watchful gaze all over Daniel, restless whenever the younger made a movement.

 

He had never tended Daniel’s hangover before, not when it’s this extreme. Usually the roles were switched: Seongwoo laid quivering on nausea, Daniel kept watch worriedly.

 

“Urgh.”

 

Seongwoo flinched at the growl. Daniel had not hurled at all since he came home, but the older readied the metal bowl nevertheless. He waited anxiously as the younger’s face twisted and distorted, and then suddenly opened his eyes, meeting Seongwoo.

 

It was too visibly too sudden and unexpected for both of them. They spent several awkward seconds staring squarely at each other’s eyes, before Daniel finally turned away from Seongwoo, leaving the older hurt.

 

“Daniel.” Seongwoo didn’t spare the feeling painted all over his voice. He wanted Daniel to know that he’s hurting too, though it might be lacking to Daniel.

 

Seongwoo slowly reached out to hug Daniel. He yearned for the comfort; eager to give Daniel the assurance that Seongwoo would never leave him, if that’s what the younger felt disconcerted about with the false rumors of Seongwoo’s romance.

 

“Don’t touch me.” Daniel’s roar surprised Seongwoo. The younger withdrew his body the moment he felt Seongwoo’s touch.

 

Seongwoo never felt more hurt in his life. His tears overflowed as anger and sadness competed to get the best of him.

 

“Daniel. It’s me, please.” Sadness won as Seongwoo tried to plead the younger to look at him at his wretched state. “There’s been a mistake. I can explain.”

 

“Typical,” Daniel snorted. He kept his face looking away from the weeping older.

 

“Daniel, please.” Seongwoo couldn’t care less how pathetic he sounded. He’d beg and bow and prostrated himself just so Daniel would see him again. Hell, Seongwoo was willing to sell his soul to the Lord of the Flies for another chance to redeem whatever mistake his poor self had made and reconnect with the younger.

 

Daniel didn’t replied, but instead Seongwoo saw the younger’s body trembling wildly. He felt deeply troubled with the state of agitation the man in front of him was in. Unsure of how best to console the younger while he’s at brink of breaking down himself, Seongwoo had no choice but to stay idle, spending every silent second tortured by Daniel’s suppressed sobs and whimpers.

 

After a few minutes Daniel had somewhat calmed down, and so did Seongwoo. They were truly a pair that communicates the best by way of not communicating. It should be a relief for Seongwoo, but now he could only regret the superficial convenience and whatever unsaid realities lost in their long practice of silence. A short moment later, Daniel finally broke the unsettling short peace between them.

 

“How could you, hyung.” The voice was hoarse and water-deprived, but the barbed accusation was more than visible. And its thorns ripped through Seongwoo.

 

“I’m sorry, Daniel. I’m truly sorry I hurt you.” Seongwoo didn’t even know clearly what he’s apologizing for, or what he’s gonna say next. “I never thought it would hurt you like this, Niel-ah, I’m so, so sorry.”

 

Seongwoo impatiently waited for the younger reply, but there was no sign of it coming. He moved his arm to reach Daniel again, thinking maybe as usual they would communicate better with touches.

 

But again the moment Seongwoo’s hand grazed Daniel’s shoulder, the younger withdrew; albeit this time more softly.

 

This time rage won. Seongwoo’s wrath rolled and heightened like a wall of tsunami, but before it had the chance to bash the shore, he heard Daniel’s feeble voice.

 

“Why did you do that, hyung? Why?”

 

And the threatening wave disintegrated at Daniel’s weak, wounded voice. The anguish lauded in each pronunciation mollified Seongwoo, and opened his eyes to see Daniel in even more clarity tonight. The wailing, whimpering youngster in front of him was way uncharacteristic the usual bouncy, bubbly Kang Daniel that smiled rays of purest sunshine. No matter how angry he was, how lost or wronged he might feel right now; Seongwoo couldn’t just lash it all out on Daniel.

 

So Seongwoo decided to try his best to slowly talk Daniel out of his misery, hoping his own physical, mental, and emotional strain wouldn’t betray him.

 

“Daniel, I’m sorry of whatever I did. I hope you won’t think of me as merely defending myself, but,” Seongwoo braced himself to continue, “truth be spoken, I’ve been feeling stressed lately. I couldn’t exactly say the cause, but I need you to know that sometimes when I stressed I just do things without mulling over the consequences. Minhyun had been trying to make me busy myself to take my mind off of my issues, but its success was minimal at best; because obviously I had done something unthinkingly today and it ended up hurting you. So once again I want to say I’m sorry, Daniel. I really am.”

 

_There._

 

It was the longest, most eloquent, as honest as possible, a speech Seongwoo had ever attempted; an impromptu one at that. He was admittedly a little bit proud at himself, and also a bit relieved. Perhaps it was an effect of actually articulating his mind, Seongwoo mentally noted. Now that he felt the liberating sensation of talking, he hoped that this could open a new era in his communication with Daniel.

 

That hope shattered to ground as Daniel sobbed even harder, but it finally made him turned his gaze from the sofa back. The younger violently straightened himself and faced the older male; his expression made Seongwoo almost cowered. Seongwoo felt deeply hurt and wronged when he heard Daniel speaking again, voice full of maddening maliciousness that was so unlike the Samoyed puppy.

 

“Maybe you should have been at Minhyun’s place, then. So he could take your mind off of _my_ issues.”

 

Seongwoo was baffled by Daniel’s statement. _Now Daniel lashed out at Minhyun? Why would he do that?_

 

“Daniel, what’s going on? Minhyun’s a friend and he’s just trying to…”

 

“Sure. Defend him all you like.”

 

The damning accusation underlining Daniel’s retort clouded Seongwoo’s judgment. Noises rumbling on his ears as finally unleashed himself upon the younger. He would have understood if Daniel’s anger was directed at the cursed actress, but Minhyun was the real innocent bystander who didn’t deserve Daniel’s blind rage.

 

“What the hell is wrong with you? Can I not have a friend other than you, Kang Daniel?”

 

Seongwoo’s chest heaving wildly as he struggled to keep his ragged breathing. He looked at Daniel with fierceness the younger must had never seen before, at least not when it was meant for him.

 

_Yes, Kang freaking Daniel. Can I not have one beside you while you just casually go around having your flings?_

 

“You can.” Daniel’s voice felt like a cold ice shards stabbing and piercing Seongwoo everywhere. “Be friend with him then. Not me.”

 

The younger had suddenly risen up from the sofa and started walking, presumably to his room, before he stopped as Seongwoo grabbed his arm. Daniel glanced at the grip impeding him and shook it off harshly.

 

Seongwoo flipped.

 

“WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, KANG FUCKING DANIEL?”

 

Seongwoo’s scream effectively stopped Daniel in his steps and the younger turned on his spot, facing the fuming older, expression dark as the devil.

 

“I HAVE ONE FUCKING FRIEND ASIDE OF YOU AND YOU WALKED AWAY? WHAT HAPPENED WHEN IT’S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FLINGS, THEN?”

 

Daniel opened his mouth in retaliation but Seongwoo cutted him. No way he’d let Daniel shutting his mind now.

 

“YOU WENT OUT WITH A LOT OF GIRLS AND I’M FINE. YOU CAME BACK HEARTBROKEN WHILE I’M STUCK PICKING THE DAMN PIECES.” Rage didn’t prevent Seongwoo’s tears from pooling in his eyes. “BUT I’M FINE WITH THAT, KANG DANIEL. I’M FINE! BECAUSE I’M YOUR _FRIEND_ \- YOUR _BROTHER_.” Seongwoo’s shrill faltered as he muttered his label. “And though it’s hurt as hell, I’m fine. And I will always be fine. Because I’m your br- brother. And I will always be.”

 

Seongwoo saw Daniel opened his mouth again but no words were coming from the latter so Seongwoo continued.

 

“But I also need someone to listen to me. I also need someone to hear my stories-“

 

“Why didn’t you come to me, then?”

 

Seongwoo was left flabbergasted at Daniel’s sudden attack.

 

“You said you think of me as a brother. That’s definitely more than just a friend; and yet when it comes to your trouble you came looking for someone else?” Daniel cut and ripped Seongwoo with his rhetorical question, which nowhere near likely coming from a less than sober person.

 

“I- I- There are some things that I can’t tell you, Daniel.” Seongwoo couldn’t tell his daunting love problems to the exact person standing at the very epicenter.

 

“You mean you keep secrets from me, then.” _Yes, Daniel. I was keeping my secret feelings for you._

“I don’t even know since when you’ve been lying to my face.” Seongwoo could almost feel the hurt rippling out from the younger.

 

“Well done, Ong Seongwoo-ssi.”

 

_No._

 

Seongwoo watched as if in slow motion as Daniel flashed him a condemning look. And when the younger turned around, Seongwoo knew it could be the last time he’d see the face.

 

_No._

 

He was about to let a gap forming between them; a schism that should even a chance come, he still might not be able to mend. And the chance to prevent it was rapidly slipping through his palm, like the sands of time bursting from a shattered hourglass.

 

_No._

 

Praying to the Lord of all Heavens, he forced himself out of the spell binding him to his place and run.

 

Seongwoo’s eyes couldn’t even process the flashing surrounding as he desperately closed the physical gap between them. He flung his arm to Daniel’s sides and captured the younger in his hug. The impact of his chest pounding on Daniel’s back made the younger lunged forward a little, but the dancer’s intensively trained lower limb was sturdy enough to withstand the force of the lithe actor-dol.

 

“What the hell, hyung. Let me go.” Daniel’s gruff fell on Seongwoo’s deaf ears.

 

He just wanted to hug Daniel. To say unspeakable things in the manners that never failed him.

 

And yet now was the time it did.

 

Seongwoo didn’t feel it. The warmth, the comfort. The convenience, albeit flawed and incomplete, of their nonverbal communication. And it scared Seongwoo.

 

He felt _disconnected_.

 

And Seongwoo started to cry uncontrollably.

 

Daniel had forfeited any attempt to wriggle out from the older’s death grip, although Seongwoo’s wailing had compromised the strength of his arms considerably. He just stood there all the time Seongwoo weeped and choked on his own tears.

 

“Don’t leave, Daniel. Please, I beg you. Please don’t leave.” Seongwoo already said that he won’t hesitate to beg. Desperate situations called for desperate measures, but this was more than just desperation. It’s sincerity. Seongwoo’s feeling in all its naked glory.

 

Fine. It _was_ desperation. Just raw and adulterated.

 

After more minutes spent weeping, Seongwoo calmed down considerably enough to shakily mutter his case.

 

“I- I’m sorry that I h- hold things from y- you, D- Daniel. I pr- promise when the time comes I will t- tell everything to you.”

 

Both of them stayed silent. Seongwoo waited for Daniel’s response. He mentally prepared himself for any incoming insult, but when Daniel spoke, his words were not damning as it had been.

 

“I’m hurt, hyung.” Complete, concise, and yet powerful enough to bring Seongwoo’s walls come tumbling down.

 

“I know, Daniel. I’m sorry.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me about it, hyung?”

 

This question had a premeditated answer and Seongwoo felt confident as he said, “it was not true, Daniel. The news you saw, they were completely bogus. That actress was just insane and dumb, insanely dumb. I would never, ever, dare to even try to get close to that witch. Not that I want either.” Seongwoo stopped abruptly. ‘I’d rather get close to you’ was his next sentence and he’s grateful he still had a sense of self-control to avoid blurting that. Tonight had already gotten way out of hand.

 

Seongwoo couldn’t see Daniel’s face, but he could see the younger’s ears, which were curiously getting red. He didn’t need to ponder the cause because Daniel’s next words left him shell-shocked.

 

“It wasn’t about that woman, you dumb hyung,” Daniel muttered under his breath, as if actually didn’t want to say that.

 

_Wait, what? But Jisung said he was looking at that article when he was upset. There were no other article beside that-_

 

But then a glimpse of memory appeared in Seongwoo’s mind about two young attractive men, former members of a disbanded group, clad in princely attire, hugging amidst the auburn flurry of maple leaves.

 

“You were actually jealous… -of Minhyun?” Even the word jealous was out of place, but Seongwoo thought this night couldn’t go any weirder. And yet despite the seemingly unending disorganization tonight had in place for him, Seongwoo could heard a small voice screaming from the most distant and secluded part of his head, words unintelligible but means clear enough: victory.

 

Daniel’s ears couldn’t get even redder.

 

“It was our thing, hyung.” Daniel almost whined, just the way he would at usual nights. “How could you hug him like that? In front of people and cameras at that point.”

 

 _To hug and be hugged in return._ The whispers of the words of wisdom accompanied the hallelujah chanting inside his head.

 

And Seongwoo laughed.

 

It was wrong in any way and Daniel had any rights to get mad. And he did.

 

“I’m trying to be serious and all and that’s what I got from you,” the younger sounded disdainful while forcefully writhed himself from Seongwoo. “Fuck you, hyung.”

 

“No, Daniel, wait. Listen to me.” Seongwoo tried to restrain his excitement, a little unsuccessfully since it was still alive and revolting in its weak shackle. He couldn’t help but grin. “I’m not mocking you or anything, I’m just happy.”

 

Daniel’s brow disappeared into his bangs. “You’re happy that I’m angry and felt like shit?”

 

Seongwoo didn’t answer and he didn’t want to. Instead he pulled Daniel into his arms. The younger looked taken aback but he didn’t resist, and after a few moments, he reciprocated and wrapped Seongwoo in his arms as well.

 

_To hug and be hugged in return._

 

This is it, Seongwoo thought. He finally claimed back their connection. He felt fulfilled as they exchange warmth, comfort, feelings, and all things hitherto unknown and unspeakable.

 

For the first time Seongwoo felt grateful that tonight happened the way it had. All angst aside he finally got his confirmation that Daniel thought of him of more than just a friend, in spite of whatever twisted definition it might be. At least they had something they would claim as their own and never share with anyone else not bearing the same title, which in their case, might even be uniquely preserved only for each other.

 

Seongwoo felt happy as well that he regained his confidence to talk. Words were known to fail him but tonight the very thing that Seongwoo considered vile and dangerous had saved them. He might be pushing his luck too far but adrenaline and euphoria were on charge of his control console.

 

“What am I to you, Niel-ah?” Even Seongwoo was surprise by the question. Because it was the question he both pined for and dreaded the most. Because the answer would deprive Seongwoo of any chance to postpone the inevitable judgment of their status. Seongwoo had taken advantage of his cowardice too much, because roaming free in the grey in-between was better than the doom one of the choice had in store for him.

 

Seongwoo’s fears bubbled as Daniel took too long a time to answer.

 

“How about you guess it yourself?”

 

Daniel raised his head from the nook of Seongwoo’s neck.

 

Seongwoo could only glimpse the younger’s face before it moved forwards and Daniel’s lips fell on Seongwoo’s.

 

Kang Daniel’s lips.

 

On.

 

Ong Seongwoo’s.

 

All fears died.

 

And from its ashes, something arose anew.

 

Purring, hissing, growling.

 

Something wild. Something basic.

 

Something.

 

_Carnal._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -severe emotional turbulence.
> 
> Sorry, but smut will have to wait till the next chapter 'Carnal'. Hehe.
> 
> P.S. No. 1:  
> Thank you so much for the warm welcome on the first chapter. You had helped me to somehow overcome my fear of rejection. I truly resolve to bring even better chapter for you to enjoy.  
> Let's hope that thing do well for both of them at the real universe as well. (pray)
> 
> P.S. No. 2:  
> I've been wondering has any readers picked up the pop (or any other era) culture reference scattered across the work?  
> Do let me know in your comments! <3 <3 <3
> 
> P.S. No. 3:  
> Any outbursts or criticisms are also welcome. Please be gentle if you can though. :')


	3. Carnal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seongwoo and Daniel continued their dance amidst the marshes of raw desire and other unsaid things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect some lengthy smut...
> 
> ...and a change of POV later in the chapter.
> 
> Hope you enjoy the journey!

_It was just a kiss._

_No. It wasn’t even that. A peck, that’s all. No big deal._

_It was only someone’s lips grazed over ever so lightly on someone else’s_

_Yes._

_It’s not like Kang Daniel meant anything when his lips touched Ong Seongwoo’s. When he Daniel_ kissed _Seongwoo._

 

The rational part of his mind – the one that had always been in charge of Seongwoo’s ‘relationship’ with Daniel – made up a perfect argument, based on completely valid and logical reasoning, that Seongwoo must stop Daniel right there and right then. It screamed and shouted the dangers Seongwoo would face should he let things escalate.

 

And for a moment Seongwoo accepted the rationale and mustered his strength to force Daniel away.

 

For a moment.

 

For a tiniest sliver of time.

 

Before Seongwoo succumbed into the feral carnage rioting in his mind.

 

Seongwoo leaned his head to kiss Daniel back. Eyes closed, legs faltering due to incongruous feelings, he latched his arms onto Daniel, hugging him tight, embracing the younger in a way they had never meant to be before.

 

 _I love you. I love you. I love you._ The words kept repeating inside Seongwoo; the same mantra that he had silently canted numerous times as a Hail Mary in hope that it would be transmitted into Daniel’s subsconsious.

 

Tonight Seongwoo’s meek declaration of love unexpectedly got the answer. A reply in a form that Seongwoo knew far too well; one that he had counted on so many times in spite of his lack of verbosity; his cover amidst the rain of desperation, his fortress among the throngs of insecurities.

 

Not words.

 

Act.

 

And Daniel’s actions spoke louder than life: he hugged Seongwoo tighter; he kissed Seongwoo deeper.

 

Actions that provided Seongwoo with an answer to his four years long watch: _I love you too. I love you too. I love you too._

 

Actions that set ablaze the warm hearth fire on Seongwoo’s heart to a full-blown inferno of lust.

 

Seongwoo started sucking on Daniel’s lower lip. The younger moaned slightly at the sudden move, faint but enough to burn Seongwoo’s desire even further. He didn’t need to make the next move, however, because Daniel tilted his head and started devouring Seongwoo. He moved one of his hands to the back of Seongwoo’s head and gently pushed it even closer to him.

 

Amidst the dizzying flurry of kisses, Seongwoo felt something wetter and squishier touching his lips: Daniel’s tongue. Seongwoo didn’t hesitate to part his mouth; allowing the other invaded his oral cavity. Soon the younger found Seongwoo’s tongue and began sucking it lightly.

 

The room was filled only with wet smacks and low moans and it sang heavenly chorus to Seongwoo’s ears as they kissed and sucked like no tomorrow. But then Seongwoo heard something that made his mind went overdrive.

 

“Hyung,” Daniel whimpered. Seongwoo could almost hear the neediness in the younger’s trembling voice, and it was the moment all residual cautions escaped Seongwoo.

 

Seongwoo started rocking his body to Daniel’s, longing for bodily pleasure. He felt the firm toned body underneath the thin fabric and it aroused him. His thought flitted to the shortly incoming future when he would find himself trapped underneath it, pushed and pounded-

 

His train of nefarious thought was interrupted as Daniel immediately complied to Seongwoo’s request of further intimacy. The younger pushed his hips forward and Seongwoo felt it.

 

Hard. Huge. Throbbing.

 

Precisely on Seongwoo’s.

 

It awakened the monster that had been extremely dissatisfied at their lagging pace, the feigned ignorance, the needless masquerade. The beast had his need, and now it became Seongwoo’s – with no space left for others

 

“Ohh, N- Niel-ah,” Seongwoo shamelessly moaned. He kept his eyes closed, unable to maintain another assault on his senses.

 

He felt Daniel moving, pushing their entangled body somewhere, staggering amidst the ongoing battle right on their face. Moving backwards, Seongwoo didn’t know their direction and he could care less, but he had a good guess.

 

Sure enough one moment later Seongwoo felt his legs hit on something firm and he fell on his back to a soft surface. Bed.

 

_We are really going to do it!_

 

Seongwoo’s own heart wildly pounded against his ribcage, and yet he felt another thunderously beating on him. Daniel had fallen atop him, body rocking onto Seongwoo.

 

But to Seongwoo’s ire the younger pulled away.

 

“No…” Seongwoo whined as cold air replaced the warmth of Daniel’s lips. He tightened his grip on the younger, not wanting to let go. “Niel-ah. Don’t stop…”

 

“Hyung. I- I-”

 

“No, Niel-ah.” Seongwoo cut Daniel’s stammer. There’s no way he would let things devolve into a conversation. _No. Fucking. Way._

 

“But, hyung. We need to talk first.” Amidst his frustration, Seongwoo could felt urgency in Daniel’s own voice. “I’m not just gonna- gonna-”

 

Seongwoo would never forgive himself if Daniel suddenly got cold feet, and he did nothing to prevent it. He finally opened his eyes and found two dark orbs staring at him; hesitations fueled them as they hungrily searched Seongwoo’s face. The older knew what the always-so-proper gentleman in front of him want: the green light. And Seongwoo suddenly received an epiphany on how best to give it, while at the same time serving revenge on the postponement of his release.

 

Feigning ignorance, Seongwoo let out a deep grumble as he addressed the younger. “Gonna what, Niel-ah?”

 

He mischievously grinned at the flustered younger, apparently taken aback by the sudden active seduction. Seongwoo could almost see the demon urging Daniel to abandon self-restrain and take him there and then. The younger face contorted as he was torn between embarrassment and desire.

 

 “Are you going to fuck me?”

 

And as he uttered his temptation, Seongwoo moved his palm down Daniel’s body and palmed the younger’s raging erection.

 

Daniel gasped at the touch and, to Seongwoo’s dismay, froze. In a lighter situation, Seongwoo would laugh at the expression of shock and disbelief the younger now sported. But Seongwoo was not in the mood for playing around. His mood lied in the dark side; where he would be drowning in sexual ecstasy.

 

_More temptation then._

 

Seongwoo raised his head and neared his mouth to the younger’s ear before he let his voice out in deep grumble, “Then fuck me, _please_.” His voice lowered to husky whisper at the last word; and as if it was not already outrageously sinful, his hand squeezed Daniel’s hard-on.

 

It was like opening floodgates.

 

Daniel suddenly lunged at Seongwoo’s neck, kissing and sucking and even biting, earning gasps and moans from Seongwoo. The older was even more reduced to moaning mess as he felt Daniel’s hand returning the favor his hand had done.

 

Kang Daniel’s hand was on Ong Seongwoo’s cock.

 

Seongwoo couldn’t stand it any further. His fingers fidgeted as he unsuccessfully tried to unbutton his shirt, before Daniel suddenly yanked them apart; kissing and sucking Seongwoo’s bare chest.

 

“Fuck, Kang Daniel.” Seongwoo panted, breathing erratically.

 

“Yes, hyung. We’ll get to that later.”

 

The younger actually had the nerve to reply while devouring Seongwoo’s abdomen. Seongwoo groaned.

 

“Stick to the kissing, you- Oh God, Daniel!” The older gasped when the younger’s mouth suddenly attacked his clothed bulge. Apparently he couldn’t wait as he tried to unbutton Seongwoo’s pants, which the younger could not as easily tear apart as the older’s poor shirt.

 

Seongwoo grabbed Daniel’s hair; he was already at the edge of cumming due to the younger’s animalistic approach. It was enough to make Daniel cease violating his pants, but he also stopped unbuttoning Seongwoo; he only stared and the older with blank expression on his face.

 

It took only a while for Seongwoo to hold his ejaculation and he quickly missed the younger predating him. He let out an annoyed whine and weakly buckled his hip towards Daniel, but it didn’t trigger any actions. Instead, a smirk started forming on the corner of the younger’s lips, and Seongwoo immediately realized the precarious position he was in.

 

_He’s fucking teasing me._

 

“Niel-ah, stop teasing me,” Seongwoo whined as he tried to nudge Daniel’s chin with his bulging crotch. It earned a raised eyebrow and an even more devilish grin from the younger.

 

“I thought you wanted me to stop.”

 

“No. For fuck’s sake, Daniel. Don’t tease.” Seongwoo felt anger bubbling as he was denied pleasure.

 

“Fine. But only if you beg me, hyung.”

 

Seongwoo stared at the gloating face with a mixture of rage and disbelief, and apparently Daniel caught on his expression because he giggled and fidgeted his fingers on the edge of Seongwoo’s pants. _How dare you, Kang Daniel._ In all other circumstances Seongwoo would never let his esteemed self fall deep enough to start begging for something, lest it’s a joke. But he couldn’t betray his desire to be touched by the younger, to feel that lips wrapped around the shaft of his-

 

“P- please, Niel-ah,” Seongwoo blurted. “

 

“Please what, hyung?” The younger replied in a mocking chime.

 

Seongwoo gritted his teeth; shame rose to his ears. “I’ve told you before!”

 

“Then say it again. Properly this time.” Daniel added with a low whisper, “I’m not the one who started this whole teasing thing. Right, hyung?”

 

Seongwoo really wanted to smack Daniel. Really hard. _I was seducing, not teasing!_ But he couldn’t bear the denial anymore and he decided to swallow what’s left of his pride.

 

“Please, fuck me, Kang Daniel.” The said man seemed satisfied enough but Seongwoo just had to push his buttons further. “Fill me with your massive cock.”

 

The embarrassment showed on the great Kang Daniel’s face was so apparent that Seongwoo almost cried his victory cheer. He didn’t get the chance though because Daniel recovered from his flustered state quick enough. In a swift move, he pounced at Seongwoo’s pants and yanked it off along with the brief. It happened in a flash of eyes that Seongwoo needed a time to realize that he was now sprawled naked on the bed; not a single thread covered his slender body.

 

And Daniel stood tall at the edge of the bed, looking intensely at the older male. The view reminded Seongwoo of a scene where a predator watched his pathetic, defeated prey before dealing the killing move. Seongwoo shivered at the thought.

 

A long silence dawned upon them. Clouds of anxiety and inferiority started forming inside Seongwoo.

 

_Why did Daniel only stare at him? Why didn’t he make a move? Did he find Seongwoo hideous? Did Daniel think he make a mistake after seeing the lack of rack on Seongwoo’s chest? Or was he disgusted by the same junk Seongwoo had instead of his past lovers’? Was Seongwoo to be discarded like those women?_

 

Seongwoo’s lowered his gaze from the younger and his hand moved to cover his body; he had never felt more exposed before in his life. He had began looking for his clothes before he heard Daniel speaking, soft and like the evening zephyr.

 

“You’re beautiful, hyung.”

 

It wasn’t a mock. There’s no hint of ridicule in his words. He wasn’t making fun of Seongwoo.

 

He was sure of it; Seongwoo recognized how slightly embarrassed Daniel was seeing his hyung in all his glory; how flustered he actually was blurting that comment. The earnest tone, the sudden uncertainty, it changed the carnal desires inside him. The monster that had screamed sex for the last hour morphed and mutated into something new, something Seongwoo foreign yet familiar.

 

The pale lithe body rose on the bed, gaze fixed upon the younger male. He brought his face directly in front of the other. Daniel froze when his nude hyung arrived in front of him, unsure of the older’s response.

 

“Hyung I-“

 

But Seongwoo didn’t let the younger finish. His fingers reached Daniel’s shirt and worked to undress him. He closed the gap between them and kissed the younger, tender yet fueled with burning passion. When they did it this time, it wasn’t only lust that drove them. It was something they denied and were denied for such a long time.

 

_Love._

 

Their bodies moved back and forth in rhythm, oblivious of time and reasons. Together they danced in unison to their inner drive. Tension rose and fell and rose again to a higher level like surging tides. Slowly but steady they explored territories yet uncharted, discovering new feelings, reaching new height of understandings. They reveled at each other’s touch, giving each other devotion as if trying to make up for years lost in intricate dishonesties.

 

Seongwoo threw Daniel’s clothes aside but he didn’t spare time to stop. He abruptly turned the younger around and pushed him to bed. While his fingers fumbled unbuttoning Daniel’s pants, Seongwoo kissed the side of the younger’s neck before slowly going down. Seongwoo peppered kisses on his trail down from the neck, until he reached Daniel’s nipple and gave it a deep sucking, earning gasp of content from the younger.

 

“Fuck, hyung!” Daniel exclaimed.

 

Seongwoo didn’t stop. Instead, he was glad at the response he elicited from the younger, and continued sucking more vigorously, nibbling the delectable nub. He could hear Daniel’s ragged breathing, interrupted with pleased moans. Seongwoo gave both nipples a few more moments of attention before moving down, leaving the reddened lump behind.

 

Daniel let out exasperated sigh from the sudden lack of stimulation but soon quivered in anticipation as Seongwoo trailed a kiss down his abs. The pants had been unbuttoned, presenting Seongwoo the view of the underwear and the monster concealed underneath. Seongwoo breathed at the skin near the hem of Daniel’s white boxer, making the younger’s hips reflexively jerked upwards. The older looked towards the younger, who stared back at him expectantly. Seongwoo turned to look at the throbbing mass under him; he gulped.

 

_Lord. It’s huge._

 

The older cursed inwardly at his vaudevillian urge to shout ‘Excalibur!’ considering what a turn down it would be. For a moment he shuddered at the thought of pain from the imminent intrusion. Seongwoo turned to see Daniel again.

 

They exchanged gaze with blazing intensity, both waiting with anticipation on the next move they’d make. Seongwoo made sure their eyes locked into each other as he slipped his thumb under the rubber band and dragged it down. Something – Seongwoo knew exactly what – impeded the undressing process; sturdily bending, tenting the fabric in front of his own face like a huge supporting pole, until it finally broke resistance and sprang out of the boxer, smacking half of Seongwoo’s face.

 

In spite of lust surging through him, Seongwoo spent a moment admiring the thick flesh towering in front of him. Desire quickly overcame his astonishment, however, as he – eyes still intently locked on Daniel’s – brought his lips atop the mushroom-shaped head and put it in his mouth.

 

“Hyung!” Daniel let out a high-pitched exclaim, but Seongwoo didn’t want to stall their progress any further. He greedily swallowed the maximum length his oral cavity can afford, and then further, gagging at the end. Seongwoo pulled back for a moment, but he swiftly suppressed his reflex and assaulted Daniel’s cock with renewed vigor. He felt Daniel thrashed and flailed at the ecstasy of being blown by none other than his hyung, and Seongwoo spare no mercy in pleasing the younger. The room was filled with sounds of sinful slurping and sucking. Seongwoo felt the younger’s tremor died down a little and decided to lunged the shaft to his throat again, this time earning a choked gasp and a pull on his hair.

 

“H- hyung, slow down. I- I’ll-.” Daniel’s voice trembled as he pleaded.

 

Seongwoo stopped his feast and abruptly brought his face to Daniel’s. He bored his look at the dark brown iris and found the eyes stared back at him waveringly.

 

“Do you want to stop?” Even Seongwoo was a bit startled by the firmness in his voice. Of course he had concerns at going all the way, but he wouldn’t let that hampered them, absolutely not right now. Seongwoo was confident enough to know that he wanted to, was willing to, do this with the person he loved the most, who now lied beneath him.

 

The voice that met his ears trembled ever so slightly, mirroring the shadow of doubts dancing in his eyes.

 

“No, hyung. I want it.”

 

Daniel paused, but when he spoke again, whatever reservation left in his voice had dissipated and he sounded steadfastly resolute. “I want you.”

 

Seongwoo had his green light.

 

He closed the gap between their bodies and rocked his hips onto Daniel’s, letting their members rubbed against each other. Daniel’s hearty moan was quickly muffled by Seongwoo’s lips. The younger clutched Seongwoo’s ass and kneaded them while the older let one of his hand playing on Daniel’s nipple and the other stroking their wet dicks. Seongwoo unlatched his mouth from Daniel and gently bit the younger’s ears.

 

“Hyung. Close.” Daniel gasped into his ears, apparently unable to withstand the barrage of stimulation. Seongwoo immediately stopped stroking, hands wandering somewhere else instead.

 

Daniel took a few seconds to calm his breath, but soon whined from lack of attention.

 

“Patience, Niel-ah. I need to do it slowly since we had no lube.”

 

Seongwoo could see Daniel processing, which Seongwoo understood; the younger might never had any experience with all of this. But Daniel looked around in search of explanation and he searched at the right direction. His pupil widened as he saw his hyung’s hand behind the older’s own ass, fingering himself.

 

“Hyung!”

 

“Don’t worry, Niel-ah. I’ll take care of you.” Seongwoo kissed the younger again at the sentence.

 

They spent time exploring each other’s mouth while Seongwoo prepared himself, adding another finger, scissoring his hole, hoping that it would suffice to receive Daniel. This was something new for Seongwoo to be doing it with someone else, but let’s just say he had done it with porn and one particular Busan guy filling his fantasy for the sake of story progression.

 

Soon Seongwoo felt loose enough to try the real deal. He parted his mouth from Daniel’s and sat upright, one hand holding Daniel’s big younger brother on his entrance.

 

Seongwoo saw worry on Daniel’s face, but as they had done numerous time, he decided to comfort the younger through act rather than words. So he slowly lowered himself into Daniel.

 

Burning and shooting pain crowded Seongwoo’s senses as he felt Daniel’s cock stretched him. Seongwoo closed his eyes but he could hear Daniel’s exclaim.

 

“Fuck, hyung!”

 

_Do it for him._

 

Seongwoo winced as he tried to lower himself further. He could feel his anus stung from all the forced intrusion.

 

_Do it for Daniel, Seongwoo._

 

Seongwoo felt tears welling in his eyes and started to drip to his cheek before he could withhold them. But then he felt another hand touched his. The persons’ fingers interlaced with his own, pulling him to a familiar embrace.

 

That person moved to position himself atop Seongwoo. He didn’t moved the thing inside Seongwoo’s ass, but he pressed his body on Seongwoo, kissing him, sharing his warmth with him.

 

The burning sensation gradually vanished and Seongwoo managed to open his eyes. He saw the face of the person he cherished the most. Kang Daniel was staring back at him. Seongwoo expected to see disapproval from the younger, but again he was astonished to recognize the understanding on Daniel’s face.

 

“You don’t need to force yourself on me, hyung. I love you.”

 

It was the first time Seongwoo heard the phrase from the younger. Seongwoo didn’t exactly know the reason but suddenly he burst into tears. He wept and buried his face on Daniel’s neck, sobbing and wailing uncontrollably.

 

Perhaps it was the undeniable security the words provide. After all this time seeking refuge in the realms of indirect communication, at the end Seongwoo realized he still needed words. And hearing the words he yearned so much from Daniel worked wonders for him. It numbed his senses. Even more, it filled him with flood of joy and happiness.

 

Seongwoo was happy.

 

“I love you too, Daniel.” And Seongwoo kissed Daniel. And although just this night they had kissed many times, each was different. Each time he felt them breaking another barrier, overcoming another obstacle, reaching new heights, delving new depths.

 

Seongwoo almost forgot that Loch Ness monster was still inside him and he braced himself to feel stinging sensation when the younger moved his hips, but the mirth of their first direct love confession masked any pain. He even felt his sphincter relaxed, allowing the younger to inch deeper into him.

 

He knew the time Daniel’s full length was already inside him because Seongwoo had never felt so full in his entire life. _Fuck, the thing’s really big._

 

Daniel waited for a moment, giving Seongwoo time to adjust, before started moving. Again Seongwoo felt the pain coming back, but this time it was diminished, and after a few slow movements, Seongwoo could only feel blissful ecstasy.

 

“Faster.” Seongwoo clung into Daniel’s body, hugging him tight as the younger complied and increased his pace. The younger pounded his ass and Seongwoo moaned at every thrust. Daniel kissed him sloppily and Seongwoo felt his climax nearing as he felt Daniel sucked his tongue.

 

Daniel unexpectedly slowed his pace, making Seongwoo grunted in disapproval. Seongwoo felt the younger angled his cock, as if trying to poke somewhere else inside him. The moment the pounding resumed, Seongwoo understood what the younger intended, and he expressed it in his loudest moan yet.

 

“Ahh, Niel-ah.” The younger had expertly aimed to jab at Seongwoo’s nerves, releasing stream of pleasure gushing all over the older. Seongwoo was raised higher above the clouds with Daniel’s each thrust and he instinctively reached out to Daniel’s ears.

 

“I’m close, Niel-ah,” Seongwoo whispered in between hitched gasps.

 

“Me too, hyung.” And by the wavering sound of it Seongwoo knew it was genuine.

 

“No.” Seongwoo struggled to withhold his undoing as he mustered his strength to mutter to Daniel his wish.

 

“Call me by my name, Daniel.”

 

And again Daniel complied. He withdrew his dick from Seongwoo’s hole, making the older whimpered at the sudden emptiness but then he stroke both their members hastily as he whispered words as sweet as Olympian nectars to Seongwoo’s ears.

 

“Cum with me, Seongwoo.”

 

And Seongwoo did as he was commanded.

 

They both shouted each other name as they released their seeds, spurting their juice everywhere on their abdomens. Seongwoo came so hard for a moment he attained enlightenment and entered nirvana.

 

The flow of milk continued a few jerks, and the euphoria rush stayed a few moment longer before both of them came down from cloud nine and exhaustion crept back in. Daniel collapsed atop Seongwoo, panting and sweating all over.

 

“Fuck, hyung. It was great.”

 

Seongwoo could only reply with a nod. It’s not that he didn’t agree; it was the best he had ever had. It was so good even; that it managed to subdue the pain he might have, while it lasted. Now that the best part of the encounter had passed, the ghost of their implications came haunting him, in a very much corporeal form of excruciating agony on his hole.

 

Perhaps his discomfort was so apparent that Daniel said to him, “I’m sorry I was so rough.”

 

“No, Niel-ah. I wanted it. I have no regrets.” It was true. Despite all the pain Seongwoo was certain he would get for doing anal without lubrication, he still went on with it. A chance for sex with Daniel was just too much to pass on.

 

_No. It’s not like that, Seongwoo._

 

Seongwoo felt ashamed being reprimanded by the voice in his head. For a moment he had allowed himself to think that this was only a desperate attempt on his part to have some with the person he loved, a chance too good to be passed on. But did it really like that? Or to be precise, how could Seongwoo to still think like that? Even after hearing Daniel’s words, his confession, in the direct and indirect forms and everything else between?

 

How could Seongwoo treat Daniel as mere object to satisfy his conceited need? To fulfill his twisted desire?

 

And the though made Seongwoo felt scared, more than he had ever feel.

 

Did he truly love Daniel? Or was it just physical attraction; one that would eventually fade away now that he had shared intimate moments with the younger?

 

 _No._   The voice was firm and clear.

 

Seongwoo pondered at the resolve of the voice. It appeared that his conscience or subconscious or guardian angel knew better than his anxious self. Seongwoo asked himself the reasons he loved Daniel and the answers immediately presented themselves in form of recent memories rolling like a vintage playback.

 

The memory of their first encounter: Seongwoo was scared being in the show alone, a single fighter from his agency. It didn’t help seeing another contestant: a pink-haired guy, one bulking arm showing vehemently from sleeveless denim jacket, along with his loud-mouthed mates, chatting incessantly.

 

The memory of their first meeting: Seongwoo was melted by the warm and bright smile the male sent to him. The younger had a tendency to favor silly jokes and it clicked with Seongwoo’s. They spent time together for the most of the shows, enjoying each other’s presence.

 

The memory of their first escape: Seongwoo could never forget the thrill of being discovered, and being discovered together with Daniel on top of that. He was truly delighted being introduced to wine, getting to know various ramen places, sneaking to subway to photograph their advertisement.

 

The memory of their dance position group battle: Seongwoo was surprised from the leadership the younger emitted during the preparations. Daniel showed wisdom and talent far beyond others his age; far beyond Seongwoo. Perhaps it was the first time Seongwoo realized that he had actually been basking in the radiance of the sun that is Kang Daniel. And Icarus feared his wings would melt and he could never touch the sun. But the sun touched him. He interlaced his fingers with Seongwoo during the announcement and that was the moment Seongwoo first felt the warmth calmed him and his irrational anxiety.

 

The memory of their name being called at the shows’ final: Seongwoo hugged Daniel; Daniel hugged Seongwoo. To describe that at length would be a futile redundancy.

 

The memory of their time together as a group: how they pride themselves as being closer to one another. How they enjoyed their sneaky game where they dropped clues of their closeness just to titillate the fans and check who was smart enough to catch on. Yes. All those stolen gazes, those small nudges, those veiled comments.

 

And all other memories flooded Seongwoo’s mind: when he supported Daniel during his tenuous legal battles, when he helped him overcome the younger’s own anxiety of debuting, when he comforted him during his various romantic misadventures.

 

All the words spoken, all the hugs exchanged.

 

They all meant something, one thing, to Seongwoo.

 

That he, indeed, loved Daniel.

 

That he had been in love with Daniel. The whole time they were together.

 

_And he loved you too._

 

And he loved me too, Seongwoo amen the voice.

 

“I love you, Kang Daniel.”

 

Seongwoo’s voice was hoarse from being parched, but it expressed his determination enough.

 

The younger didn’t respond right away. Seongwoo thought he had fallen asleep; he glanced at the clock.

 

02.41 AM.

 

He must be exhausted, Seongwoo thought because he also felt that way, but then he heard a slumbering replied.

 

“Me too. I love you too, Ong Seongwoo.”

 

Seongwoo drifted to sleep with a smile on his face.

 

\---

 

Kang Daniel woke from his sleep, far earlier than he should be. Exhaustion had worn him down and he could certainly use a few more hours of extra sleep. But the butterflies swirling in his stomach didn’t agree.

 

An alarm clock, his, went off somewhere and he jumped out of the bed, fumbling his discarded pants to set it off. Once the ruckus had calmed, he immediately turned to look at the other body in the room, which, to Daniel’s relief, still deep in slumber.

 

Daniel walked towards that body sprawling on his bed and he couldn’t help grinning when he saw what a mess that person was. To start with, the beautiful nude male had dried white stain all over his stomach up to the chest. A part of that was Daniel’s, the younger mentally noted.

 

He observed his hyung for a few quiet moments, taking in the gorgeous sight, before streaking out to the bathroom to find wet towel. The younger trudged lightly, determined not to awake the older, but his mind had wondered liberally.

 

Daniel remembered their ‘altercation’ last night, and the memory of it made him happy, excited, glowingly pleased.

 

He rewound the scene over and over again. There were a lot of joyous moments, but there was one his favorite that Daniel would like to stamp permanently on his mind.

 

_“I love you, Kang Daniel”_

 

Daniel giggled and grinned madly at the recollection; even more so because the words came from none other than Ong Seongwoo.

 

Being Kang Daniel, he had no shortage of listening to such words. Countless women – and sometimes men – had been saying the same thing to him for years. But none of them meant so much like the one he heard last night. Truth be spoken, he had said those words countless times too, but never the way he meant it like last night to his most beloved hyung. He might not have reserved the words for his hyung, but his feeling was. Always.

 

Daniel grabbed the towel, wet it under running tap water and went back to his room. The hyung in question was still on the bed, not moving an inch since the last time Daniel saw him. He carefully positioned himself in front of the older and gently rubbed the dried liquid off his hyung’s skin, his eyes every so often glanced at the the older’s face, watching over signs of displeasure.

 

 _God, he’s beautiful._ Daniel smiled widely at the thought.

 

“I love you, hyung.” He said softly, even though he was certain the older was still stranded somewhere in the land of dreams. Daniel didn’t care. He had been saying it without his hyung’s knowledge for almost four years anyway.

 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. He certainly did.

 

Yours truly Kang Daniel had been in love with Ong Seongwoo since a moment very close to the beginning of their supposed ‘friendship’. Actually Daniel couldn’t discern where or when did his feelings change into something romantic. But he didn’t need to know because even though he didn’t realize whence they started, he knew exactly what he feel right now. Sure as hell it was love.

 

And Daniel knew Seongwoo loved him too.

 

Call it intuition or premonition, but Daniel knew it not from clairvoyance but from careful observation. He was a firm believer that love manifested in innocent quips and minor gestures. Freudian slip was the official explanation Daniel once read, but he didn’t need to delve deeper. It was science after all.

 

People might ask why, then, did Daniel not reveal his true feelings, if he had been so sure of how they both felt for each other. It wasn’t because he’d been having doubt. No. And it certainly wasn’t because he was toying around with his hyung’s feelings. Absolutely not!

 

It’s because Daniel wasn’t sure Seongwoo was ready, to come to terms with his own feelings.

 

Daniel knew his hyung had issues. The older male was too self-conscious for his own good, and at the most severe times it would come out as crippling anxiety. Daniel could only wonder how painfully nerve-wrecking it must had been to secretly harbor feelings on a fellow member who was always so close with you, a male member at the top of that. It was surely not an easy matter to handle within the current social construct; the society wasn’t that accepting to what they considered a ‘deviation’ from norms.

 

So Daniel had no choice but to enter the intricate game of masks with his hyung. He asked his hyung to move in together as a start, and then proposed his hyung to renegotiate his contract join his agency, which was originally only meant to manage himself. The plan was only modestly successful at best though, and they made no significant progress on being a ‘real thing’ aside from occasional small victories of being able to cuddle.

 

Opportunities presented themselves to him, however, in form of a girl confessing during their group late goodbye party, witnessed by, wait for it, Seongwoo hyung. It was just a glimpse but Daniel was skillful enough to notice the older masterfully concealing his expression: jealousy.

 

Daniel spent the next few days in agony. At one hand it might be his only chance to make his hyung realize the true nature of his feelings for Daniel. On the other hand, it was obvious that Daniel would only been playing with the girls’ feelings. He wasn’t that type of jerk to use people to his own gain!

 

But desperate times called for desperate measures. So, in spite of hating himself from doing it, he agreed to date the woman. Perhaps as a type of twisted self-justification, Daniel swore that he would genuinely try to love whoever he was dating at the moment; never to say what he didn’t mean to say; and he drew the line at peck on their cheeks. He personally reserved the next bases for his hyung, even though he didn’t know when, if ever, they would progress to that stage.

 

No hugs of any kind to the girls either. Somehow Daniel felt that it exclusively belonged to them. It was, as a matter of fact, the most intimate act they could ever do, and should things didn’t go the way he wanted them to, Daniel would be glad to just have that one gesture to call their own.

 

The jealousy baits went just as unfruitful until Daniel slipped and actually felt something akin to love with his last girlfriend. He knew it had something to do with the resemblance the woman had with Seongwoo; not physically, but rather personalities. For Daniel, it confirmed his own feelings towards his beloved hyung; and for a moment, he dared to convince himself that perhaps it would be fine that way, using that woman as a substitute for a love he would never have.

 

It was evil, disgusting, and not at all Daniel. But love wasn’t something rational. It wasn’t something that one could carefully plan and execute. And Daniel thanked God that his plan didn’t go as planned. At the girl’s birthday he had brought her to celebrate at the place where he had celebrated his hyung’s birthday. He did so unwittingly, perhaps in a twisted attempt to relive his own delusion. The girl was not happy at all to have her entire birthday night listening to Daniel’s musing about his hyung. And so the girl left, and Daniel’s fantasy crumbled.

 

For the first time in his life Daniel felt heartbroken. He intended to drink himself to oblivion, but was rescued by the mother corporal Yoon, who suspiciously seemed to be aware of his predicament. The perpetual eomma figure left Daniel at the front of his door dismissively and he had to search for the only one who could give him comfort: his hyung.

 

That night Daniel poured his heart to his hyung, under the influence of alcohol. Thankfully it didn’t spiral out of control to confessions and begs. As far as he could remember they spent the night in each other’s embrace and things went as normal as it could be.

 

Not for his hyung, apparently.

 

Daniel noticed his hyung’s mood took a turn for the worse in the weeks following his great breakup. Perhaps he said something out of line that night after all, Daniel cursed inwardly. Whatever it was, Daniel knew he couldn’t turn back and the only thing he could do was to support Seongwoo with all his might. He decided to turn away all other prospective girlfriend as well, not wanting another complicating factor playing at hand.

 

He received information from Minhyun hyung that his hyung would be participating in a period drama that the foxy hyung also acted in, and that they would have to shoot somewhere out of town. Daniel was suspicious that this particular hyung was well informed of their situation, although given the fox’ perceptive nature, it was nothing of a surprise.

 

Daniel barely contacted his hyung during the off-town shooting period due to his own hectic schedule, but Daniel missed him a lot. He could only texted his hyung in his spare time and got caught scrolling the news for his hyung’s information, while waiting for the distant reply.

 

The day his hyung said he would get back, Daniel prepared a small homecoming party at their apartment, filled with the older’s favorite foods and snacks. Daniel had intended the day to be the last day playing faces. He had gathered the courage to admit his feelings to his hyung, and deal with the consequences whatsoever.

 

And then Daniel saw it, right at the center of an article: Ong Seongwoo being hugged by Hwang Minhyun.

 

He saw what he’d always thought as theirs, exclusively theirs, taken away by other.

 

Furious at the betrayal, incensed at his incapability of marking it rightfully his, Daniel stormed out of his room to drown himself in a drunken stupor. This time fairy godmother Yoon came too late: halfway to Daniel’s intoxication. The fuming mother hen forced the alcohol out of the younger and sent him home to deal with the hangover. This time, however, the mother goddess met Daniel’s love bane. Daniel could only suspect that they exchanged several words, because what comes after designated the end of their friendship.

 

And the beginning of their relationship.

 

“Why are you grinning like a mad man, Kang Daniel?”

 

The voice awakened Daniel from his trance. He looked at his Seongwoo hyung, who was staring at him amusedly.

 

“How can I not smile when I look at you, hyung?”

 

Daniel’s reply earned a dramatic hurl from the older, and he laughed at the Shakespearean response.

 

“Your words are as gross as yourself. You do realize that you’re still covered in cum, as well, Kang Daniel.”

 

Daniel felt colors rising to his cheeks as he stared down to his own stomach, who was still painted with streak of dried white liquid.

 

“Umm, I was trying to clean you first, hyung.”

 

“Yeah, well. Perhaps it’s better that you clean yourself now, rather than rubbing me for the umpteenth time.” The older’s voice was riddled with suppressed glee from pushing the younger’s buttons.

 

Daniel looked at his hand who was lodged atop his hyung’s reddened skin. Apparently Daniel had dozed off while still vigorously rubbing the older’s stomach.

 

“Right, sorry about that.” He failed to contain his own amusement, earning a glare from the older.

 

“Never mind that,” Seongwoo sighed. “Go clean yourself.”

 

Daniel pouted at his hyung’s words. “You won’t clean me?”

 

“No. I want you to get on your ass and clean yourself. And make some food while you’re at it.”

 

“But, hyung-” Daniel started to whine.

 

“My ass hurts like hell, Kang Daniel-ssi! And it wouldn’t be if not because of your ridiculously huge thang! Now make me some food or you got no more of this wondrous ass of mine!”

 

Daniel could almost see smoke flaring from his hyung’s nostrils, and yet he could only laugh louder at the rants.

 

“Fine, hyung. I’ll make you some food.” He lowered his head to his hyung’s and whispered to the older’s ears. “I love you, hyung.”

 

The blush on his hyung’s could only get more flagrant with the morning sun.

 

“I love you too,” came the meek reply, but it was enough for Daniel.

 

The younger male springy walked into the bathroom to clean himself. Soon after he treaded to the kitchen, not bothering to cover himself. He passed the door on his way and saw some letters on the floor. Still bubbly and bouncy from his hyung’s words, Daniel couldn’t find the reason to not pick it up; he never knew doing trivial things could bring him so much fun.

 

He fumbled at the letters and saw the usual bills and promotions. But one intrigued him because it was different from the other mails they had ever received; it was too formal, and intimidating.

 

Daniel lost all the colors on his face when he noticed the sender and the mail’s title.

 

**Republic of Korea**

**Military Manpower Administration**

**Call for service to**

**Ong Seongwoo**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never thought writing smut would be this taxing.  
> Next update would not be this long, I suppose.
> 
> Also, I'm not a Korean per se, so the mention of mandatory military service should be viewed as a imaginative liberties rather than a representation of real-life counterpart. All things said, I apologize if there's something inaccurate, let alone offensive.
> 
> Thank you for all your support!


	4. The Lonely Puppy That Is Kang Daniel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you loved someone, you're afraid to lose them.

_Order to Report for Service_

_The Military Manpower Administration_

_To Ong Seongwoo_

_You are hereby ordered to report for mandatory military service-_

 

Kang Daniel trembled. He couldn’t continue muttering the words even inside his head.

 

The letter had come in a timely manner: the very moment he confessed his feelings and got confessed to in return, _the morning after he had sex with said person_ ; whose name emblazoned on the pale white letter he blankly stared on.

 

_He’s getting drafted._

 

He didn’t feel the radiant joy he had when he walked over to make some food. Instead Daniel felt like dying. He wanted to scream, to shout his frustration. He cursed the circumstances that tried to tore them apart.

 

_How can this happen? Right after we have our moment. Are heavens really against us?_

 

In the living room, naked, Kang Daniel broke into tears. Memories of previous night flooded him; the moments he cherished the most, slipping away from his fingers. He was overwhelmed by the pictures; to him right now they seemed more akin to vivid delusion than cold reality, because he didn’t want this to be happening.

 

Ong Seongwoo, the answer to Daniel’s years long pining, who had only reciprocated his feelings, who just a few minutes ago said ‘I love you’ to him, was again getting away.

 

And again Daniel was going to be alone.

 

Daniel clutched his chest as his emotional pain turned physical. He tried to wipe his tears but more came overflowing. His suppressed sobs hindered his breathing and he dropped to the floor, knees giving out.

 

_Alone._

 

Kang Daniel hated it.

 

He hated the practiced routine: the somber demeanor, the tearful farewells, and the back view of people he loved walking away.

 

For a moment he regained his composure; his hatred of separations knocked some of his senses. His rough and ragged breathing filled the room as his trembling hand set the letter on the floor. Again he tried to wipe his tears and suppress it, to no avail. He wasn’t strong enough to prevent dark clouds of memories rolling inside his mind, without him having chance to block the view.

 

\---

 

The first was so old he could barely discern the face of the persons talking, but he knew the silhouette far too well. He recognized the voices: the pleading woman, the regretful man; his mother had never been the same since then.

 

It was the first farewell he could remember; so old it replayed like a retro black-and-white movie in his imagination. Back then he could not fully understand the various reasons that split his parent’s marriage asunder. All he knew was all he could feel: loneliness.

 

Daniel loved his mother. She cared for him with all the might of a single mother; and Daniel grew up learning the value of resilience and perseverance, and what it meant to stand among the outcasts of a society too obsessed in a sense of normalcy. She didn’t lash out when Daniel received severe bullying, but instead encourage him to be whoever he wanted to be. If there was a woman Daniel ever loved, it was his mother, who had watched his ups and downs, and stayed with him through it all, her love perpetual and unconditional.

 

But even the great love of his mother could not hamper the feeling of loneliness that haunted his days. Boys his age nevertheless needed the company of his friends, which were scant due to his supposedly uncommon physical features. His teacher introduced him to dancing and b-boying; both of which managed to distract him just enough to escape depression, but not to fill the gaping hole he couldn’t yet fathom its existence.

 

He could only grasp the true nature of his loneliness the moment it was filled. By ten persons.

 

His former group. Wanna One.

 

Eleven persons brought together by a contest. Eleven came out with a bond stronger than brothers.

 

Truth be told, Mama Yoon had already been with him through the hellish agency he was in, but Daniel only realized how precious the older male was the moment they were in a group together. There’s not much fraternity to be exist when you’re competing to debut, although Yoon Jisung had always been the kind-hearted fairy godmother to him.

 

The other members might not be close to him at start but it didn’t take long before they warmed up to each other. Yet before they had the chance to fully enjoy their newfound family, their contract came to an end.

 

Memories of second farewell overwhelmed Daniel. They were blurry but not because they were of vague and distant past, it was due to tears. Daniel had only rarely shown tears on stage; it contradicted the sexy persona he tried to build. But the incoming separation of eleven young men who lived under the same roof, endured the same stress if not more, warranted Daniel the need for his release.

 

Daniel cried as he hugged his now former bandmates one by one. He forced himself to mutter encouragements and consolations despite himself needing them. He tried to comfort them, telling them that they’d always have the chance to meet again, perhaps even sharing stage. He looked at each their faces with swollen eyes, hoping to capture their images in his hearts. He said to each of them the words he hated the most: farewell.

 

And none escaped his farewell, except for one person. One he just didn’t have the hearts to say goodbye.

 

Ong Seongwoo.

 

Daniel whimpered as scenes of the third and most devastating farewell. He remembered first trying to avoid the older, pulling but a feeble stunt to postpone the inevitable. But then he realized that this might be the only chance he got to ever say anything at all to his hyung. Heart felt like molten iron, he dragged his feet towards Seongwoo, but the older apparently had no intention of saying goodbye either; he skimped away every time Daniel approached with grim expression.

 

The younger almost lost his chance on the bus to their last dinner. He spotted Seongwoo trying to sit Minhyun aside him and looked at them hopelessly, until his eyes met the foxy ones, and Minhyun promptly got up. Daniel didn’t need further hesitation; he immediately set to sit beside his Seongwoo hyung. Before he settled though, he caught the losing countenance on his hyung’s face.

 

Daniel could say that he was very close to Seongwoo, enough that he knew his hyung didn’t fare well with words rather than with acts. So, bracing himself for whatever may come, Daniel lobbed a rucksack atop their laps, and searched for his hyung’s hand beneath it. He found them, grazed the soft skin, and intertwined it with his own hand. Daniel broke to tears at the mere touch.

 

_Soon all of these would be memories._

 

And in some way Daniel just wanted to memorize the feeling of his hyung’s grasp, just like the first one they shared during Get Ugly.

 

He could feel Seongwoo gazed at him. He could imagine the shocked face and muttered in his mind that in a brighter situation his hyung would wear a scandalous expression. His hyung tried to withdraw his hand for a moment, but then to the younger’s relief, returned Daniel’s grasp with comparable fervor.

 

_That’s it._ Daniel thought. That’s their method of communication. They said science is a method. Well in their case it surely was.

 

The dinner was filled with humorless laughs. People tried to lift the spirits in vain, but even the magic tricks their manager tried to pull only drew several heartless applauses from the boys. Before long the dinner ended, the situation had fallen into a mournful farewell, and Daniel found himself unable to delay the goodbye to the almost soulless hyung sitting idly.

 

It had to be done. It had better be done, before the last sand fell and they ran out of time.

 

He pulled his hyung by the elbow, and his eyes met the face of a broken man.

 

Daniel took in all the sight. His gaze lingered to three dots on the older’s cheek; the constellation still looked as beautiful despite the forbidding night. His hyung’s lips kept tightly sealed, as if barring any words. At that time Daniel knew he had no choice but to be the one initiating their farewell; and he’s going to do it.

 

_The only way that they could be._

 

With all the resolution he could muster, Daniel deliberately pulled his hyung to his embrace.

 

The older stayed silent throughout the hug, and it made Daniel a tad sad. He was aware, however, of his hyung’s hampered speech in emotional situations. In fact, Daniel was also at lost for words so he just stated whatever came in his mind.

 

“Thank you, hyung. I enjoy my time with you.”

 

Clear and concise, though markedly deficient to convey the entirety of Daniel’s feelings, but at least it was honest. The younger enjoyed times spent with his hyung, which sadly soon would become his favorite past time.

 

His hyung’s passivity disappointed Daniel; he wanted more, but he was grateful to be able to hug the older one last time. The last thing he would ever want was to force his hyung do something the older didn’t like.

 

Thinking he might cause his hyung discomfort for hugging in public, Daniel immediately withdrew from the hug and, after looked at his hyung for one final time, he walked away. He didn’t even say goodbye. _Fool Daniel._ He didn’t expect however to be pulled strongly into a hug. By Seongwoo.

 

Daniel got over his astonishment quickly and relaxed into the hug, returning the forceful yet tender embrace.

 

_This is it._ Tears streaked Daniel’s cheeks as both of them immersed in silent conversations, exchanging feelings nigh unspeakable. _Just like the finals._

 

They truly didn’t speak any words throughout the hug; so far Daniel could recall. The hug did all the necessary talking, and it sufficed just like always. He loved the way his hyung kept his loneliness at bay; the warmth of the other that said ‘I’m here; it’s going to be okay’.

 

And his Seongwoo-hyung stayed true to his unspoken promise.

 

Daniel’s Seongwoo-hyung stayed with him through his darkest hours. His hyung was there during his lengthy legal battle and shadow broadcast bans. His hyung was there when he struggled to break free from the snares of media conglomerates and manage his own company. His hyung even accepted his offer of transferring to his agency, despite knowing what retributions he could face from messing around with his contracts.

 

Ong Seongwoo had always been there for Kang Daniel from the first time they met. To this date that’s almost four years spent dancing and masquerading; treading the fine line between best friends, blood brothers, and love of their lives.

 

Now, Daniel must face the imminent reality that his hyung would leave him; that he would be left alone for God knew how long.

 

\---

 

“You took your time.” The familiar voice feigning annoyance struck a pang in Daniel’s heart. Seongwoo was sitting upright, leaning on the headboard; his arms wrapped around pale bare chest.

 

Daniel forced an apologetic smile but kept his gaze only as high as the older’s chin, unable to meet his hyung’s eyes. He tried his best not to look awkward or suspicious when he shoved a tray of bacon-and-eggs towards Seongwoo.

 

“Oof. You’re lucky I’m starving.” Seongwoo could only utter that much because he started rapidly stuffing his mouth. “Theftee mee-noof anf no rife of coffee”

 

Daniel couldn’t help rolling his eyes. _No one will ever doubt you’re Asian, hyung. Bacon-and-eggs with_ rice _? Really?_

 

They didn’t have rice ready, but they had Seongwoo’s favorite canned coffee in the fridge and Daniel already turned around to get it before Seongwoo grabbed his arm.

 

“Stay.”

 

Daniel felt like a puppy trying to follow orders from its conflicted master, but he yielded anyway and sat beside Seongwoo. There’s something in the older’s tone that’s telling Daniel his serene cover’s about to be blown.

 

“Something’s on your mind?” Seongwoo had set aside his half-finished (already!) tray. There was unmistakable concern in his voice. Daniel wondered if he was really that obvious or his hyung had always had this ability to see through his façade like an open book.

 

“Niel-ah. You made me worry. What’s wrong?” Daniel glimpsed his hyung’s other hand reaching over to him and felt it grazed his cheek, leaving a wet trail.

 

_Damn. I cried._

 

Daniel had used the best part of half an hour to hastily prepare breakfast while bracing himself to break the news to Seongwoo. He had assumed that at some point tears were going to be part of the conversation, but he didn’t predict it to be his opening line, and he didn’t prepare a corresponding scenario. So naturally he did the only thing that came to mind. He hugged Seongwoo.

 

Like always the warmth lifted away some of his worries, but Daniel knew he shouldn’t postpone their discussion too long. He withdrew himself from the older and finally lifted his gaze up to meet the older’s eyes, who was wet with tears. Daniel opened his mouth to speak but he was cut by the older.

 

“No. Don’t say it, Niel-ah. I don’t want to hear it.”

 

Now Daniel was confused. _Did he already knew about this and was keeping it from me? But that’s impossible! The letter was sealed. Or did they give you other form of notice? A pre-notice, perhaps?_

 

“Y- You knew, hyung?” Daniel thought his bewilderment was perfectly voiced.

 

“Yes- I- I do, b- but- I don’t want to hear it. Please, Niel-ah.” Daniel couldn’t help but getting irked by Seongwoo’s pleading. He knew that his hyung had always had denial issues, but refusing to hear it didn’t cancel the fact that he’s leaving. Daniel sighed.

 

“You could at least tell me about it, hyung. Actually, how could you not tell me about it? What if I didn’t read the letters and just found out one day that your bed’s empty?” The more Daniel thought about it, the more it annoyed and disappointed him. _Did Seongwoo-hyung do all of these knowing that he would go shortly? What about last night? Something like a last hurrah?_

 

“H- huh? What do you mean?” Seongwoo choked a little as he looked at Daniel bemusedly. “What letters?”

 

“Do you need me to spell it to you, hyung?” Daniel recognized his raising tone but did little to stop it anyway. Somehow he felt increasingly exasperated at his hyung as the older just gawked. “The military service, hyung!” He nearly shouted but it delivered his point just enough because Seongwoo no longer gaped at him. Instead his expression rapidly changed into a look of shock and horror.

 

Daniel sighed again. He couldn’t think of a reason why his hyung held back something so important. At the very least his draft would change their accommodation, as their room would only have one inhabitant.

 

“Look, I’m sorry that I opened your letters, but seriously-”

 

“I’m getting drafted?” The voice was clear enough, but in his own state of discontent, Daniel didn’t notice the tremor in the timbre.

 

“Are you joking, hyung-” Daniel stopped fuming abruptly when he finally caught the horror on his hyung’s face. “You really didn’t know?”

 

Seongwoo answered with a trembling shake.

 

_Damn._

 

\---

 

Kang Daniel was the fool today. And the bastard.

 

Despite years of careful observation on his hyung’s behavior (it’s not stalking, it’s science!), he had chosen this moment to forget that his hyung was always the anxious one, heavily augmented by his inclination to overthink other’s action. Daniel had allowed himself to jump into conclusion that his hyung had somehow kept the news of his impending enlistment from him; some part of him had even suspected Seongwoo of manipulating him to get one night with Daniel.

 

“Ssh, it’s okay, hyung.” Daniel caressed the silently weeping older when he felt him shivering a bit.

 

Seongwoo had broken down immediately after Daniel delivered the news, and Daniel swiftly held his hyung in a swoop, trying to prevent a total breakdown. The older male shivered and shook under Daniel’s hug but he didn’t cry or shriek uncontrollably. Instead, Daniel heard suppressed howl like a wounded cat, and honestly it broke his heart even more.

 

He actually wanted Seongwoo to scream, to shout at Daniel for his graceless newsflash, to put the blame on him, because he knew damn well he deserved it. Daniel could take others blaming him, cursing him, hurl derogatory remarks at him; he had experience facing them well anyway. What he couldn’t take was seeing the person he loved the most curled and whimpered like a scared abandoned animal, especially when Daniel himself had a hand in damaging him.

 

Apparently Seongwoo had thought that Daniel considered last night a mistake and he wanted to leave him, but he just couldn’t bear hearing it directly from Daniel’s mouth. The revelation came in fragmented sobs but Daniel had no difficulties piecing what his hyung wanted to convey; it was consistent with Daniel’s study of Seongwoo’s behavior.

 

Abandonment.

 

That was Seongwoo’s bane, and Daniel understood that very well because right now he shared that fear.

 

Daniel tightened his embrace. He lowered his head and kissed Seongwoo’s forehead. The older let out a series of choked whimper in response and then he nuzzled closer to Daniel. There would be plenty time to talk, though it was gravely dwindling. But right now, what mattered, what’s important for them, was to stay as close as they can to each other.

 

They spent long minutes in that position until Seongwoo broke the sorrowful silence.

 

“When will I go?” The forced determination in his hyung’s voice pricked Daniel, which maybe had something to do with the older phrasing it like he’s terminally ill.

 

“Don’t say it like that, hyung,” Daniel sighed.

 

“When will I go, Daniel?” The voice sounded sharper.

 

“A little more than a month.” It seriously hurt Daniel to be reminded of how short a time they had.

 

If Seongwoo felt the same he didn’t immediately show it. Daniel felt his hyung’s being suspiciously calm as if he’s contemplating something.

 

“Then I suppose we had to make good use of the time we had. What do you think?”

 

“What? I-” He couldn’t continue because Seongwoo’s had clashed his lips to his.

 

Daniel didn’t know how to respond it. He liked kissing Seongwoo; he had a feeling it would become his new favorite act aside from hugging. But he didn’t like the pace. Seongwoo seemed like he truly put what he’d spoken to heart as he furiously sucked and nibbled Daniel’s lips.

 

Yes, Daniel agreed that they had to utilize and exploit whatever time they had left, but this kind of rushing didn’t feel right. He knew he should have been feeling the need to satiate his long repressed desire. Instead, he couldn’t help but feel being used, like a last meal for death row prisoner, valued not for its intrinsic qualities but for its mere existence in a restricted time frame.

 

He felt a sting on his lips and tasted metallic warm liquid oozing inside his mouth.

 

Daniel wanted to stop Seongwoo, but was it the right thing to do? What if this was exactly what the older need right at this moment; a distraction to keep him from falling apart?

 

He knew how long the older had been pining for him, and now fate decided that they would be separated just moments after they revealed their mutual affections. Daniel might be able to withstand the pressure, but his hyung was different. His hyung was actually the more fragile of them, and his tendency to cover it all up didn’t make it any better. On top of that, Seongwoo was the one who’s going to be drafted soon, not Daniel.

 

And so Daniel decided that, if this was what his hyung needed, he could bear the pain of feeling used.

 

But Seongwoo had stopped his kissing.

 

He placed his head beside Daniel and hugged him tight; his entire body shaking as he cried.

 

Daniel’s hand moved instinctively to clasp the older; his other hand moved to stroke Seongwoo’s hair.

 

“I- I don’t want to- to leave you.” Daniel could feel the piled up emotion bursting from his hyung. “I love you, Niel-ah. I really do. I really truly love you.”

 

“I know, hyung. I love you too. I love you so much” Daniel teared as he rested his head in the crevice of Seongwoo’s neck.

 

Seongwoo only whimpered in response.

 

“We’ll find a way, hyung. We will. And I promise I will wait for you forever.”

 

“B- but it will be s- so long, Niel-ah. When I’m discharged, you’ll still be serving. It could be more than three years!”

 

Daniel could not utter a word; he just hugged Seongwoo tighter. The thought of being separated for such a long time was too daunting it overwhelmed him. They were inseparable from the time they were competing in the show; they certainly weren’t prepared to not meet each other for almost as long as they knew each other.

 

It’s not a matter of would Seongwoo be there, or would Daniel be there. The amount of time they would spend in isolation from each other, that’s what mattered. It was simply too long.

 

For three years, Daniel would be alone.

 

_Alone._

 

He lost control over his body.

 

Daniel shook like a child on verge of throwing tantrum. He tightened his hug and cried and wailed. All the fear and desperation he bottled up in order to comfort his hyung burst in the messiest way he’d never even thought possible.

 

“N- Niel-ah, calm down.”

 

Soon that voice would never reach Kang Daniel ears. For three years.

 

Daniel wept louder; his entire body trembled. He began to hyperventilate.

 

“Niel-ah. Hey, Daniel. Daniel. Kang Daniel.” Seongwoo’s loud shout at the final call startled Daniel and awoke him from his trance. He frantically searched for the source and found two gentle brown eyes looking back at him. Daniel had never been this panicked before all his life, yet it took only a few calls from his hyung to soothe him.

 

“Hyung-ah.”

 

“Niel-ah.” The voice that called his name sounded sweet in Daniel’s ears. Suddenly he felt so ashamed for losing control. He was the tougher one between them, and yet when Seongwoo needed him the most he let his feelings overwhelm him. He was supposed to be there for his hyung.

 

“I’m sorry.” And as he said that Daniel lowered his face but a hand hold his chin and lifted it back up.

 

“No, Niel-ah. _I’m_ sorry.” Seongwoo’s gaze pierced him. “I’m the older one and yet I couldn’t control myself.”

 

“That’s not true, hyung.” The last thing Daniel wanted was Seongwoo started throwing the blame on himself again.

 

“No, Niel-ah. That is. I- I- This _thing_ would happen sooner or later and I overreact. I should’ve been able to control myself.”

 

_Who are you and what’ve you done to my Seongwoo?_

 

Perhaps Daniel’s utter bewilderment was so apparent that Seongwoo started to smile. “I can be mature too, you know.” The older’s fingers grazed Daniel’s cheek endearingly.

 

“Hyung.”

 

“Niel-ah?”

 

“I’ll wait for you.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And- you’ll wait for me?” He didn’t mean that as a question, but Seongwoo’s sudden change of demeanor was too unsettling Daniel couldn’t get his mind straight.

 

“Of course. Niel-ah.” Seongwoo reached down and gave Daniel a hug. “I will always wait for you. But I want you to promise me not to worry your ass over me. I can handle myself.”

 

There wasn’t even a tremor in Seongwoo’s voice.

 

“All right. I promise, hyung.”

 

Seongwoo withdrew from the hug and gave Daniel a fuller smile. “Now my pain subsided, I think it’s my turn to make you breakfast. You don’t want to eat cold bacon, do you?” The older chirped as he started to turn away.

 

“Thanks, hyung.” Seongwoo didn’t reply.

 

\---

 

Daniel stared at the back of the person walking away from him. The person strode confidently across the room, but Daniel noticed the slightly downward gaze and slumping shoulder. He was too experienced a scientist to not realize that his hyung’s acting skill had truly been getting very convincing these days. Daniel’s trained eyes saw through the almost flawless character façade to see what his hyung actually had concealed beneath:

 

_False resolution._

 

He had no doubt that seeing Daniel’s breakdown had been the trigger for his hyung to go full Broadway. Daniel cursed at his own lapse of self-control. It had only complicated things even further, casting yet another veil of dishonesty on their relationship.

 

Sure Seongwoo would likely be able to withstand the few weeks prior to his departure; he’d still be meeting Daniel anyway. But afterwards?

 

Daniel wondered what he would be gambling with if his hyung was not to see him for three years, and he shuddered at the answer his trained mind provided to him. He knew it was so unlikely to happen but he just couldn’t ignore that it was indeed part of the possibility, albeit the smallest, the unlikeliest.

 

_Death._

 

He felt such a dick to ever portray it, but was he really confident enough to say that wouldn’t happen? Daniel reminded himself that it wasn’t his life he’d be putting in line in this roulette; it was Seongwoo, who had such history of pretending bad things didn’t happen. His recent stunt only served as a testament to that.

 

Daniel felt his heart racing. Feelings of uncertain nature mixed and bubbled inside him, stuffing his chest.

 

_What should I do?_

A part of him wanted to trust Seongwoo and let him continue play pretend, at least until they both finished military service and began another truth-revealing conversation. But another part of him, a small yet thorny prickly side kept reminding him of a gruesome scenario that could happen had he carelessly waived responsibility to act.

 

_Lord God Heavens help me, please. I don’t want to lose him._

 

As if directly answering his plea, a faint voice spoke from afar inside his head.

 

There was no love greater than to sacrifice oneself for one’s friend, sang a song of old wisdom.

 

The answer should have terrified him but instead it strangely calmed his nerve, perhaps because some part of him had already knew from the beginning that this was how it all going to end.

 

_Seongwoo is more than just a friend, Daniel._

 

Kang Daniel closed his eyes and he saw Ong Seongwoo; his hyung smiled and waved at him from a distance so close it’s out of reach. He drew deep breath as he braced himself to make a decision, one that would deeply affect both of their lives.

 

_Sacrifice._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long update. It's been a lot of work to write this chapter, but I hope the next update would come quicker. Expect hails and storms, you've been warned.
> 
> Thanks for your continuous support!  
> Let me know your thoughts on this chapter!


	5. Dance Amidst Midsummer Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dangerous times.

_It’s fine. It’s going to be okay, Ong Seongwoo._

 

That’s what Ong Seongwoo had been telling himself for the past minutes; that’s what he tried to convey to Kang Daniel, also known as the love who’s about to go away.

 

Obviously it’s a lie, otherwise Seongwoo would not be fleeing the room where the other male now lying in bed.

 

It wasn’t because he was angry at Daniel; though he hoped the younger was a bit more eloquent delivering the news of Seongwoo’s enlistment call. It wasn’t because he wanted to leave Daniel’s side; Seongwoo was willing to sell his entire fortune just for a chance to extend his time with Daniel.

 

_A little more than a month._

 

Even the foreboding terror of arduous physical labor for an almost immeasurably long time didn’t constitute a large part of his anxiety right now; it was rather a trigger. Seongwoo knew that time put pressures on people. He remembered the last days of Wanna One; the tensions and accidents among the members wasn’t exactly the most beautiful of memories.

 

Time made them put haste on their rational thinking. It made them rash and reckless, clearing obstacles for making decisions they would sorely regret later.

 

That was Seongwoo’s fear. That’s why he moved away, though his body wanted to stay. That’s why he set up a distance, though every cell in his body screamed for Daniel, his skin coveted his touch, his ears craved his voice. That’s why Seongwoo took a painful step after another to walk away from the love of his life; the love who had just been his for less than a quarter of day, despite his yearning for four years.

 

Time had tricked them to four years of denying each other’s passion. But now Seongwoo wouldn’t let it pressure them into making foolish decision, say like, breaking up just mere hours after heartfelt confession.

 

_No. Like hell I would let that happen._

 

\---

 

Seongwoo brought his lithe body as fast as the pulsating pain in his ass permit. He limped his way to the kitchen and immediately busied himself with ingredients, taking a whole loads from the fridge and dumped them to the counter. His mind wasn’t even clear enough to decide on a menu, but his hand had set to work with knife, slaughtering whatever poor vegetables his hand could reach.

 

The sound of messy butchery didn’t register in Seongwoo’s mind because his ears were set to hear his surroundings, especially the telltale noise of hulkish feet stomping on wooden flooring. He continued chopping one vegetable after another, slicing and dicing them with indifference until they’re almost ground into puree. After he ran out of ingredients within reach, Seongwoo stretched out his arms to bring more closer, mindlessly knocking over some vegetables which fell to the floor.

 

“Damn.” Seongwoo ducked to grab the falling ingredients but the orb-like vegetables had rolled over halfway across the room. Cursing, he chased them but they were stopped in their track by pale slender fingers.

 

“As expected of my Ongcheongie.”

 

Seongwoo felt his insides did back flip but failed and crashed to the ground at the sound of the husky loveable voice, whose owner quickly strode in, closing their distance far quicker than Seongwoo had anticipated.

 

“Why are you here? I’ve said that I’ll cook for you.” Seongwoo tried very hard to contain the anger that suddenly surfaced the moment Daniel made his entrance. It was irrational, improper, and would certainly hurt the other. He didn’t dare to see Daniel and risk exposing his sentiment.

 

“Cook? It’s more like you’re attempting alchemy.” Seongwoo could almost swear he heard the grin even from the voice alone, but then he saw what Daniel meant and agreed with the younger. It’s a miracle that several of his fingers didn’t join the appalling multicolored lump.

 

“Sorry, I’ll do it over.” But before he had the chance to turn back to the counter, Daniel had slipped past him to further scrutinize Seongwoo’s trance-led experiment. The younger scrunched his nose as he neared his face.

 

“What’s in this anyway? Eye of newt and toe of frog?” Daniel’s amusement was apparent beneath his disgusted front.

 

“Haha, very funny.” Seongwoo chuckled and pushed Daniel. He quickly put the disastrous heap into a plastic bag to prevent further belittlements. “Now go away or I’ll put wool of bat and tongue of dog into your meal.”

 

Daniel let out a hearty laugh. “Fine, as long as it doesn’t involve cutting anything. You took forever and I’m starving.”

 

“I’ll keep that in mind when I cook you _ramyeon_.” Seongwoo growled viciously. He set the pan on the stove and reached out to the corner where packs of Daniel’s favorite ramyeon were always seated.

 

“You won’t hear me complaining.” Daniel’s laugh still hadn’t died down, so Seongwoo turned towards him and sent him the most threatening glare he could muster.

 

 _“Forever.”_ Seongwoo hissed the words like an enraged pit viper. It didn’t have the intended effect but Seongwoo had one more trick up his sleeve. In a swift pace he closed their gap and launched his arms to Daniel, presenting him his poison: tickle. Daniel burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter and grabbed Seongwoo as he fell.

 

Seongwoo’s anger had actually evaporated a few moments ago. Instead he rejoiced at the feeling of limbs wrestling and tangling on the floor. How would he miss this sight just a few weeks later, but it really didn’t bother him too much right now. Because right now, Seongwoo said in his head, is what matters.

 

He had always been haplessly predisposed to anxiety, but right now the fear that made him fled away from Daniel just a few moments ago stayed only in traces. Although the imminent future looked daunting, right now Seongwoo could only feel happiness. Perhaps this was indeed the joy of living the moment.

 

And Seongwoo enjoyed the present moment very much, he’d like to capture it forever in his memories and plastered it over the future: the images of them fooling around in the kitchen; Seongwoo doing one of his stupid mistakes; Daniel laughing at him, sometimes becoming the victim of his absentmindedness.

 

If only things had been going like this for the past years; not the fooling around, they did those things. If only Seongwoo had been able to focus on enjoying the present instead of worrying about the future. He had been doing that for sure, when he’s hugging Daniel, when they had their late-night drinking sessions; but even then the anxiety didn’t go away. There had always exist like a silhouette of a beast lurking in the darkness, waiting for its moment to claw at Seongwoo.

 

Maybe, Seongwoo thought as he stood up, it didn’t have anything to do with what he wanted. Maybe it had everything to do with what they were now.

 

_Lovers._

 

Seongwoo grinned as he saw Daniel still rolling on the floor, seemingly exhausted by the look of the younger’s bleary smile.

 

_Ong Seongwoo and Kang Daniel are lovers._

 

“But what about the enlistment?” A small voice inside Seongwoo asked. It was thin and feeble but Seongwoo refused to ignore it and let it thrive unchecked. It was in the nature of science that you doubted everything after all.

 

_We’ll face it together._

 

Are you sure you’re in this _together_?

 

_Of course! We’ve said it! The thing we’ve been holding back for years. We loved each other._

Mere words! Are you sure he’s not just _living the moments_?

 

_Daniel wasn’t taking advantage of me!_

Perhaps not, but he could make mistakes. What if last night was a mistake?

 

_It wasn’t!_

Compelling argument.

 

Seongwoo drew his breath. The sarcastic tone on the voice’s last snickers put him on edge, but he knew he must not lose his temper. There’s no way Seongwoo would let his anxiety win over him again.

 

_I believe in us._

 

“If you say so.” And the voice slithered back into the shadowy caverns inside Seongwoo’s mind.

 

Seongwoo couldn’t help inwardly cheering for triumphant victory, probably his first against the monster that had been torturing him for ages. He had never been able to drive it away all alone. But then again, he’s no longer alone. He had Daniel.

 

The parting away for three years was still fearsome, but now Seongwoo understood why he had not been all that frightened as he should have been. _He had Daniel._

Three years would be a long time, but he would pass it knowing that he most certainly loved Daniel, and Daniel loved him back. No matter how lonely it would be, it beat four years in relative obscurity, worrying about the lines between friends and the risks of trespassing them.

 

Thankfully right now those times had come to pass. Right now, Seongwoo had his blessed assurance.

 

And that happened not because Seongwoo believe in himself. It was because he had faith in both of them.

 

\---

 

Kang Daniel cursed inwardly as he tried to gather enough energy to stand up. He had walked into the kitchen with intention to bring the Armageddon. Instead his resolve had been almost immediately shattered – not to mention later physically felled to the ground – by mere sight of a person, which fittingly looked like an angel.

 

It wasn’t entirely his fault, Daniel defense formed up in his mind. The view that met him the moment he entered the kitchen was just too mesmerizing. Then he had seen Seongwoo carelessly fumbling with ingredients, cutting whatever came to his dazed sight into a lump of abominations. In other words, it was the scene of Ong Seongwoo, the destroyer of worlds, in his natural habitat. It was the scene that lured Daniel to reminisce, no matter how hard he fought not to.

 

One by one the scenes rolled in his head and Daniel tried to count how many things that had the misfortune of being handled by his hyung. It was a lot. In Zero Base alone his hyung had wrecked a toy pistol, slimes, a drone, Jaehwan’s toy drum, a doll. Daniel smiled as he remembered the moment Seongwoo destroyed a sofa on their first day at the new dorm; the amount of chastises the older got that day was insurmountable.

 

But it wasn’t the nostalgic memories that had defeated him. It was the very scene that Seongwoo was cooking at the kitchen. It was so… domestic.

 

Not to mention that Seongwoo was still naked to his butt.

 

He might have had this kind of lewd fantasy before, Daniel silently cursed again as blood started to pool down his stomach. For a moment he considered sneaking up to the older’s behind and then just humping the older at the counter. After all Daniel realized that he had also not wearing any clothes.

 

But even his carnal urges couldn’t take over his mind from the most powerful emotion he felt seeing the scene.

 

Daniel felt like he and Seongwoo were a family.

 

He silently wondered whether there would be any chance that his future could afford another scene like this; that it could give him the same feeling of contentedness overflowing within him then. Daniel cursed for the third time because he already knew the answer and it left the bitterest taste in his tongue.

 

It wouldn’t if it wasn’t Seongwoo.

 

Daniel had dated idols. He had dated actresses. All of them were beautiful and talented and had all the charms fitting to become the first lady for the Nation’s Center. Yet when he was with them he missed Seongwoo; and when he got intimate with them his mind was with the older. Back then Seongwoo was still a cherished friend who, despite of Daniel’s scientific deductions and experiments as well as his own adoration for the older, may or may not have a feeling for Daniel. Would it be any better right now, that they had both professed their love for each other?

 

_No. Definitely not._

 

_It won’t fit if it wasn’t Seongwoo._

 

Daniel was awoken from his pondering by the fragrant smell of ramyeon cooking, which promptly elicited loud grumble from his stomach. Of course Seongwoo wouldn’t pass on the chance to tease him, Daniel thought, and he was right.

 

“Are my ass not sufficient for your appetite, Kang Daniel?” Seongwoo’s tone was playfully disdainful and Daniel groaned at the ostensible teasing.

 

“Well, if only you can remember clearly that I didn’t get to eat anything last night.” Daniel paused as the older returned to look at the boiling ramyeon. “What about you though? Get a good taste of… banana and milk?”

 

Seongwoo blushed to his ears.

 

“Didn’t take you for a bashful person, hyung. You definitely weren’t last night.”

 

“Shut up or I’ll add some banana milk to your ramyeon.”

 

Seongwoo’s counter took him by surprise and it was Daniel’s turn to blush. Fortunately the older didn’t turn around to check his response, so he decided to deliver another jab. There’s no way Daniel let Seongwoo having the upper hand. He was that petty.

 

“That was as kinky as it was disgusting. Do you always take that approach in making food or is it your fetish?” Daniel’s mindlessly moved his body closer to Seongwoo.

 

“Well, there’s a reason I always wanted to cook for you.”

 

Daniel loudly gasped right at the nape of Seongwoo’s neck, causing the older to shudder a bit. He tried to sound as scandalous as he could when he speak.

 

“So all these times you’ve been…” Daniel left his words hanging. His hands slipped to Seongwoo’s side and tenderly wrapped around the older.

 

“Yeah. I thought I couldn’t have you. So at least you could taste some of me.” The way Seongwoo let only a little waver escaping his mouth despite of Daniel’s exploratory hands was truly masterful. “Glad you loved a psychopath?”

 

“I’m quite sure I don’t love a psychopath. More like-” Daniel kissed a patch of skin on the base of Seongwoo’s neck “- a great thespian-” he licked his way to the back of Seongwoo’s ear “-a beautiful angel-” he stopped at a spot behind Seongwoo’s ear and then gently nibbled the delectable soft meat “-with a sexy voice.”

 

“A- ah,” Seongwoo moaned as he tilted his head back in pleasure.

 

Daniel’s hand wandered down the older’s stomach, following a soft trail of hair, but when the bush got denser, he stopped short of touching the undoubtedly hard stick.

 

“Niel-ah,” Seongwoo whined as Daniel suddenly released his embrace. “You fucking tease.”

 

Daniel kissed his hyung’s neck lightly and went to turn off the stove.

 

“I just don’t want the apartment to burn in the heat of our passion, hyung.”

 

Seongwoo glared at him.

 

“Don’t ever say something like that again. It was a huge turnoff.”

 

“I won’t. Because-” Daniel grabbed his hyung’s waist tightly before growled, “-we won’t be talking.”

 

Daniel heard Seongwoo hitched his breath as he suddenly lifted the older and sat him atop the counter. The force of the impact between the hard counter and unclothed bottom made the older rise in protest but it was immediately muffled with kisses.

 

They were sloppy and wet and Daniel liked it. He liked the way their carnal desire took over, making them forget their worldly problems, drowning them in delirious ecstasy. He liked the way it deluded them that right now, only they mattered. And from the fiery avarice Seongwoo displayed, Daniel noted, the older must felt that way too.

 

He reached the older’s rock-hard erection and it was already wet down there too from the leaking precum. Daniel began stroking it slowly as he ravaged Seongwoo’s mouth.

 

“Ah- Niel-ah.” Seongwoo’s moan couldn’t feel more sinful to Daniel’s ears.

 

Daniel felt Seongwoo’s hand putting pressure on his head, directing him lower. He complied and started peppering kisses on his way down, suckling Seongwoo’s pink nipple for a while before the older added another push to his head.

 

“Eager, aren’t we.” Daniel bit Seongwoo’s nipple, earning a gasp from the older, before he trailed downwards and kiss the head of his hyung’s cock. It twitched madly.

 

“Niel-ah, please. A- ah!” Seongwoo gasped as Daniel took his hyung in one go. It was as big as he expected, but his mouth adjusted to the size relatively quick, considering this was his first time downing a dick. He circled his tongue around the head and pushed it slightly on the slit, making the older quivered in pleasure. His hands played at Seongwoo’s nipple as he moved up and down his hyung’s shaft.

 

“Fuck, Niel-ah. So good.” Seongwoo had placed both of his hand on Daniel’s head and started pushing in his own rhythm. Daniel couldn’t help but liking this fiercer attitude from Seongwoo. Could it be the thought of getting into military alone have the power-

 

He stopped his thought. He didn’t need it to ruin this moment.

 

“Ah! Niel-ah.” Seongwoo gripped Daniel’s hair tight and stopped his motion. “I- I’m close.”

 

Daniel looked that his hyung had closed his eyes, apparently mustering every inch of willpower to withhold his release. He returned to kiss Seongwoo, letting the older’s senses rest for a while.

 

For a very _short_ while.

 

The younger cut the tender kiss and brought his finger up to replace his lips while his other hand slowly pumped his hyung’s hard-on. Seongwoo sucked sloppily on Daniel’s finger, interrupted with shameless moans and it was a cue for the younger to add another finger which the older lapped on them as if it was the source of his life force. The scene unraveling in front of his very eyes was so nefariously sensuous Daniel felt he could blow his load just from seeing it.

 

“Fuck!” Seongwoo cursed when he felt an intrusion up his rear. Daniel had withdrew his now  wet fingers from Seongwoo’s mouth and inserted one up the older’s ass. The younger quickened the pace of his pumping and the joint stimulation on both sides made the older thrashed and mewled louder, which was again swiftly muffled by Daniel’s kiss.

 

It didn’t take a long time before Seongwoo’s moans rose a pitch higher and Daniel promptly move to swallow his hyung’s dick whole, giving it a deep and powerful suck. Seongwoo shouted Daniel’s name loudly as his entire body convulsed and his cum exploded inside Daniel’s mouth with Vesuvian force, shooting ropes upon ropes of thick liquid that almost got him choked.

 

Daniel swallowed the strange bittersweet fluid before he continued sucking his hyung’s sensitive prick, earning shivers and whines of protest from the older, while his hand pumped his own cock until he released shortly after. It wasn’t until the last drop had left the limp and soft cock that Daniel ceased suctioning and lift his head to see his hyung.

 

_Masterpiece._

 

The sight of spent and wasted Ong Seongwoo, naked, chest heaving, deprived of all energy, sent pulses of tingling sensation down Daniel’s abdomen. He regretted that he didn’t fuck his hyung atop the very counter. Seongwoo’s eyelid was barely able to open.

 

“You like that, hyung?” Daniel whispered before biting Seongwoo’s sensitive ear.

 

The older seemed to take a while gathering his senses before he let out a whine.

 

“No,” Seongwoo muttered with tiredness plastered on every syllable. He only managed to half open his eyelid as he stared at Daniel. “Not hyung, Niel-ah.”

 

Daniel blinked once before it clicked: he had forgotten that Seongwoo wanted Daniel to call him by his name the night before. He neared his lips to Seongwoo’s face his breath ghosted on the flushed skin.

 

“I’m sorry, Seongwoo-ah.” He planted a kiss on Seongwoo’s left cheek right on the pretty constellation. “But-” He kissed his right. “-what else should I call you?” He kissed his hyung’s forehead. “How about-” He kissed his nose. “-my love?”

 

Daniel ended his parade of kisses with one on Seongwoo’s lips, which widened into a smile that Daniel could feel on his own.

 

“Yeah.” The voice that came from underneath his lips sounded like coming from someone who had seen nirvana. “I’d like that, my love.”

 

_It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, Kang Daniel._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it rain amidst this long drought.  
> Let it fall on the dry fields and cracked soils.  
> Let the dessert flowers blossom once more.
> 
> Sorry, I actually planned this chapter as a grand angst, but all things considered, I think we all need a little shower on the driest of days.
> 
> HAPPY ONG DAY!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> This is my first time writing a ff and I really hope you enjoy reading it.  
> There is a continuation (and resolution) of this story in my mind, but let's just say I'm testing the waters first, hehe.  
> So please let me know your thoughts on this work.


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